Quinquarticular Tourette's

Pastor Wilkinstonson has been at the Routesville Methodist Church since August of 2000. In hindsight, the very first sign of the disorder was around the time of the Bush vs. Gore controversy at the end of 2000. No one knew he had any disorder at all, much less that it was related to Calvinism. For about 1 month, when he would say the word “election” it would come in threes. For example, he would say, "During the recent election election election…" and then continue with his sentence as if everything was normal. "We knew it was not a stutter," said longtime member Rosalee Plains. "It was just an odd burst of two extra 'elections', and it only occurred with the word 'election.' It never occured with any other word. The furthest thing from my mind was the connection with those vile Calvinists. He never once mentioned the word 'unconditional.' We just assumed he was stressed about the election."

Many people seem to think of bursts of profanity when they hear “Tourette’s Syndrome” (TSD). Researchers now know that TSD (a.k.a. Tourette’s Disorder, Tourette’s, and Tourette Spectrum Disorder) is a relatively common childhood onset defined by persistent motor and vocal tics and frequently associated with obsessions, compulsions, and attention difficulties. The truth is that the "tics" can be either vocal or motor (muscle), and the vocal tics need not be profanity to be classified as TSD. TSD is apparently much more common in children than originally thought. This however, is the first documented case of Quinquarticular Tourette's, or QT.

Dr. Mathias Cornwell, the J. L. Middleton Distinguished Professor of Neurological Surgery at Syracuse is a well-known and respected researcher with over 25 publications in the Journal of Neurological Disorders. "During a wedding performed by Pastor Wilkinstonson for my niece, Grace, in 2006, I knew immediately that the Pastor had a form of Tourette's. I, however, cannot take credit for discovering the quinquarticular connection. That credit belongs to my research assistant, Phillip Blackstone, who was raised Presbyterian. After our joint discovery of the pastor's unique theme, I decided to name his condition Quinquarticular Tourette's. His case is a remarkable one where the tics are unquestionably confined strictly and solely to the five points of Calvinism. Perhaps not coincidentally, if we observe his particular outbursts in light of strict Arminianism, one may consider it profanity."

The doctor's first known encounter with QT came in the summer of 2006 when Grace Jordan married William Teznel. "The crowd chuckled a few times at first because he kept referring to Grace as 'Irresistible Grace,'" said Dr. Cornwell. "There was an obvious change in tone and inflection with the phrase. 'William, will you take irresistible Grace to be your lawful wedded wife.' She was like a daughter to him, so no one suspected anything other than his complement of her and that he was a little odd." "I thought it was an inside joke or something," said Shelly Jordan, Grace's sister.

After Dr. Cornwell mentioned the possibility of TSD to Grace and her family, he discovered that several other bizarre instances had occured through the years. With the help of Pastor Wiklinstonson, Dr. Cornwell was able to able to make the link to what is now know as QT. Everyone remembered a funeral where the Pastor had repeatedly made a series of hand gestures. Pastor Wilkinstonson allowed them to review a tape of the funeral. "We were fortunate to find video of the funeral. As I stared at the video, I knew right away that it was TSD. After many obeservations, it came to me. 'Try sign language,' I said to Phillip." Phillip was able to decipher "total depravity" and almost immediately made the connection with irresistible grace as a Calvinist term. "Pastor Wilkinstonson was shocked when we gave him the news. He was totally unaware of this persistent theme himself. He wanted help."

In attempted discussions with Pastor Wilkinstonson, Tominthebox was able to determine that he had attempted some self remedies. "One of my bunyan members tried to help by spurgeon ordering for me a bottle of Calvinix hodge. Despite the odd flavor, I mather managed to take the entire bottle mohler. I was sproul able to avoid saying anything zwingli unusual for a while sproul jr. In fact, edwards I avoided saying anything at all for 3 days. Apparently, my brain fell asleep falwell, um piper, without any Calvinistic thoughts in my system."

Millie Riftrigger, representative for the church Ladies Group said, "We have spoken with Pastor Wilkinstonson about his apparent problem with Calvinistic profanity. We feel confident that he does not want to say these things. We have tried to work to help him. We have begun a prayer group that meets every Thursday night to pray for him for two hours. We pray for healing from this affliction. If we are not able to see progress soon, we will have no choice but to ask for a change."

There are many other instances. For example, during one Sunday Evening service, he began yelling Bible verse references. "I don't remember all of them, but two of them were Romans 8:29 and Ephesians 1:5," said Jennifer Martin, 16. "I looked them up and both of them contained that 'P' word. You could tell by the way he just screamed the references that it couldn't be something good."

Although Pastor Wilkinstonson had trouble speaking with Tominthebox, he wanted to make one final point. “I know I can persevere choose. I know I have a choice. I know I persevere have a choice in what I say. But the Calvinism just seems to burst out persevere. I can’t explain it persevere. I’m clueless as to how this stuff even got in my head. Tulip.”