SBC Celebrates “Real Christian Sunday”

NASHVILLE, TN – Most evangelicals in America do not realize that this past Sunday (11/11) was Southern Baptists’ annual celebration of “Real Christian Sunday.”

“Not many people know about this,” reported Morris Chapman, head of the SBC’s Executive Committee. “Actually, it’s kind of embarrassing so we don’t announce it much outside of Southern Baptist circles.”

What is “Real Christian Sunday”? It is the Sunday of the year when the highest percentage of truly saved people attend SBC churches.

TBNN has discovered that the reasons for this are a bit involved, but still understandable. It all begins with “Homecoming.” Homecoming is an annual celebration in most SBC churches. It is when everyone who used to be a member of the church is invited back for a big Sunday celebration. Despite the fact that there is no biblical evidence to support the existence of this festival, it still takes place (click here for more info). However, very few former members actually return to the church. What really happens is that all the members who hardly ever come to church show up on Homecoming Sunday.

In order to make sure that lots of people show up at Homecoming, it is usually scheduled for the Sunday that we roll our clocks back. This gives the folks an extra hour of sleep before they have to get up and go to church. That is why most Homecoming celebrations were scheduled for Sunday November 4th of this year.

In addition, many churches promote Homecoming Sunday as being “High Attendance Sunday.” Members are encouraged to bring anyone, including relatives who are members at other churches, with them on Homecoming. This has caused Homecoming Sunday to be the most well-attended day of the year, surpassing even Easter and the Sunday before Christmas.

Rev. Devin Boyles, senior pastor of the First Baptist Church of Knoxville, TN, told TBNN, “Homecoming should really be renamed ‘Slacker Member Sunday,’ because that is when all of the slackers who usually stay home show up at church. I don’t know half their names because they never come otherwise.”

There is a silver lining, however, to Homecoming: the next Sunday none of the slackers feel a need to show up for church. Therefore, only the truly saved members attend. Pastor Wilson Parks, of Grace Baptist Fellowship (Albany, GA), informed us, “We wanted to name the Sunday after Homecoming ‘Regenerate Church Member Sunday’ because that is when only the real Christians in our church show up. Unfortunately, no one could understand what ‘regenerate’ meant. That’s why all the SBC churches just refer to it as ‘Real Christian Sunday.’”

Many pastors secretly look forward to the Sunday after Homecoming as their favorite Sunday of the year. Rev. Boyles said, “I can’t say this in my church, but I just love Real Christian Sunday. When only the regenerate members attend, we don’t have to deal with all of the gossip, back-biting, arguments over money, and focus on college football that we normally have to deal with. There is such a sweet spirit when the wheat gathers without all of the tares. The only downside was that only three of my twelve deacons bothered to attend on Real Christian Sunday.”