California Court Recognizes Heterosexual Marriage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning decision that will have ramifications throughout the nation, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco recognized both the existence and the right of heterosexual marriage.

Judge Felix Evans, writing for the majority, said, "Although society gains much more benefit from homosexual than heterosexual marriage, it nonetheless remains the right of heterosexuals to marry if they decide to do so. This court is in no way promoting heterosexual marriage, but rather simply recognizing the reality of it. The California Constitution nowhere yet bans the right of heterosexuals to marry."

Dissenting judge Harriett Black wrote, "When we begin to say that just anyone can marry, what will come next? If heterosexuals are allowed this privilege, the next thing we'll see is a man marrying his dog, three people wanting to marry, or an orange and an apple getting engaged. As a court we have overstepped our own authority when we say that anyone other than homosexuals has the right to marry."

All sixteen heterosexuals still living in San Francisco secretly applauded the decision.

The entire faculty and student body at nearby University of California Berkeley protested the court's ruling by taking a pledge to only marry single-celled organisms.