The Coddle Cootie

Lifeway plans to begin promoting another program aimed at assisting pastors and deacons in an often overlooked church ministry opportunity. No, it is not an evangelistic program like F.A.I.T.H. or one of the more comforting spinoffs of E.E. or Roman Road. No, it is not a discipleship program like the successful How to convert your KJV church to HCSB. And no, it does not involve an insightful book of spiritual depth such as the Prayer of Jabez or At Parbar Westward.

This new program aids in workable solutions for the most common problem that exists within every church in America—the membership’s need for coddling. The Coddle Cootie is designed to be a high-visibility, focused, people intensive ministry program to help all church members (from new believers to even the most spiritually mature) engage in positive openness about their feelings with the goal of restoration to the body. “Pastors agree, nobody is immune from the need for coddle time. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ as much as ‘when,’” said Marlene Thornburg, Coddle Cootie spokesperson.

Lifeway began testing the Coddle Cootie program during the 2006 Southern Baptist Convention in Greensboro, N.C. “The Coddle Cootie got off to a slow start,” said creator Jack Floyd Dennis. “Most people were not instantly drawn to it.” It took Sandy Blackstone, a tester from West Grenadere, Alabama, a while to warm up to the idea of even touching the bug. “Although I was hesitant, the first time I held it, I immediately felt more loved,” said Blackstone. “If it was not so…so… gremlin-looking, I probably would have grabbed it sooner. I have no problem picking it up now. My spirit is always soothed by the calming effects of Coddle Cootie.”

How does it work? The Coddle Cootie comes in an attractive Coddle Cootie Cocoon that can be placed in a corner of the church foyer so it is available to anyone entering through the front doors. Participants in the program, referred to in the brochures as Coddle Cootie Cuddlers, simply remove it from the Coddle Cootie Cocoon, hold it in their arms where it is visible for all to see, and carry it with them wherever they go on the church property. By carrying the Coddle Cootie, Coddle Cootie Cuddlers signal their imminent need for coddling. All members (and even visitors) are encouraged to coddle and comfort anyone cuddling the Coddle Cootie.

“It’s nice to get to church early and lay claim to the Coddle Cootie,” said Willy Desmond, who felt the pastor should have shown him a little more respect as he passed him in Walmart on Saturday afternoon. “Yeah, Willy laid first claim today,” said Nelson Howard, Willy’s best friend. “He had good reason. When he tried to speak with the pastor, he didn’t really seem to have time or interest. I’ve noticed that Pastor Bartlet has that attitude more and more recently. He just may be losing touch with our needs and understanding of our pains. He apparently thinks they are minor compared to all the important things he has to do. Sometimes it just hurts so bad. I hope to get here early next Sunday to claim the Coddle Cootie.”

The Cootie Cocoon is a colorful container containing everything necessary for pastors, deacons, and leadership to minister to those with a need for emotional coddling. For the most part, it appears ministers absolutely love the program. “I no longer have difficulty determining those who have hurt feelings,” said longtime deacon, Heulan Adrian. “If the Coddle Cootie is removed from the Coddle Cootie Cocoon, I just look around for the Coddle Cootie Cuddler and make it a point to give them a hug and ask them how they are doing today.”

The quickstart guide strongly suggests that the leadership choose a Coddle Cootie Coordinator (alternately called the Cocoon Curator) to oversee the distribution of the Coddle Cootie and create a necessary barrier between the current Coddle Cootie Cuddlers and the other church leaders, especially the pastor. Pastors, deacons, and other committee heads who themselves have attempted to coordinate Coddle Cootie cuddling, have unintentionally become instant targets of Cootie Cuddlers and Cootie Cuddler wannabees.

There have been some problems. For example, the Coddle Cootie at the First Baptist Church of Cold Barn, Tennessee remained in its cocoon the entire Sunday last week. One of the deacons discovered on Monday morning (through a helpful, informative conversation with his wife, who had found out from a friend in the women’s Bible study, who had found out from her husband, who had found out from his best friend, who had found out from a discussion in a men’s Bible study) that one of the members who had just arrived home from the hospital and was back at church for the first time in 3 weeks, was upset at the pastor for not recommending that she take the Coddle Cootie. "She apparently desired for someone to recognize that she needed coddling and invite her to use the Coddle Cootie rather than get it on her own. The process does have a flaw. Those needing coddling have to actually pick up the Coddle Cootie. If you don’t pick it up, we can’t help you,” said FBC Cold Barn’s pastor.

The program is currently designed to help those who have the need for occasional coddling. Nothing yet has proven to be successful in helping those in need of constant coddling. Experts say the only inroads to helping those with Constant Coddling Deficit Disorder, or CCDD, remains switching churches every 6 to 12 months. “By changing social associationas approximately once per year, a victim of CCDD is able to find a fresh set of smiling faces and open ears to help with his or her pain,” said Agrawl Apun, Assistant Professor of Emotional Disorders at the University of Kentucky.

With this need in mind, Cootie creator Dennis informed TBNN that the next version, the Coddle Cootie Constant Companion, is more technologically advanced and is intended to be carried at all times, even when not at church. The Coddle Cootie Constant Companion version will play a calming song to the tune of Jesus Loves Me

If you're feeling down and low

Grab me and your needs I'll show

Don't be shy, please be direct

They'll feel your pain through this insect

I'm Coddle Cootie

No need to worry

I'm Coddle Cootie

Hold me, you'll see who cares

There are also plans to insert a cell phone within the new version. "We want pastors, deacons, and other ministers and members to have a way to immediately reach the person in need of coddling," said Dennis "even when they are not on the church property." Equipped with a phone, the Coddle Cootie Constant Companion Cuddler should be reachable 24/7. The church leaders and members will be able to call the Coddle Cootie Cell and know their ministry efforts are getting straight through.

Preliminary help guides for the Coddle Cootie Constant Companion include a list of important things that Cootie Callers should remember when calling the Cuddler:

(1) Put no pressure on the Cuddler to do ministry. This could lead to negative consequences.

(2) Assure them that everything will be okay and you totally support them 100% no matter what they do.

(3) Try to schedule a time to meet them at work or home. Or, have a reaffirming meeting in a neutral coffee house, a movie theater, or their favorite restaurant.

(4) If you determine that there is any hint that anyone has hurt their feelings in the slightest way, try to arrange for the perpetrator to call the victim cuddler. Encourage the perpetrator to give the cuddler time. They may not be emotionally ready to talk to the perpetrator about it, but they still need to know that he or she is thinking about their pain and concerned. Encourage the perpetrator to call each day and not stop until the victim cuddler feels 97% better.

(5) Church leaders should place a followup call each day to the Cootie Cuddler. If possible, send at least two quick emails of reassurance.

So, the next time you visit a church, check to see if there is a Coddle Cootie Cocoon in the foyer. It’s a good sign that this church is not only ready to minister to you, your spouse, and the needs of your family, but they are signaling something much deeper. A Coddle Cootie in the foyer signals that this church is also prepared to coddle your every bad feeling, every bad feeling of your spouse, as well as every bad feeling of everyone in your family.