California Court Rules "Parents Have No Rights to Raise Their Kids"

Berkeley, Ca - In a shocking turn of events a Berkeley California Court has ruled that parents in the state have no legal rights to raise their own kids. The ruling was handed down on Wednesday by Judge William LaHelm. The ruling comes just weeks after a controversy concerning a law that threatened the legality of homeschooling. Those in support of that law also supported the recent ruling.

"Times are different these days than they were 200 years ago," said LaHelm in his ruling. "It is clear that parents are incapable of taking care of their own children. So many kids are being brainwashed with religious superstition, hate and discrimination against homosexuals, and other nonsense. This is now a job for the government to take care of to ensure the peace and order of our society."

The law has not yet gone into effect, and numerous court battles are expected. But if the law passes parents will be required to deliver their kids to specified locations where they will be taken into the custody of the state.

"If the law takes effect, parents will have one month to get everything together for their kids" said state representative Mary Harrington-Long. "The state will setup special boarding schools where kids will be taught the importance of tolerance, justice and veganism."

TBNN has learned that plans are already on the table for the building of 2200 new boarding schools as well as converting older schools into the new boarding facilities. Children will remain in the schools until the age of 18 when they will be free to leave. During their tenure at the schools they will learn important subjects such as environmentalism, womyn's rights, alternative lifestyles and the best of Cher's music.

"This shows tremendous progress for our great state," said Berkeley City Council member Patrick Winn. "I believe that children are our future, so we need to teach them well and let them lead the way, we need to show them all the beauty they posses inside."

Church Plans 5th Sunday "Fast on the Grounds"

Brighton Woods, MS-- Y'all come on out this Sunday, March 30th to New Cavalry Baptist Church's 5th Sunday services. That' right. After we've heard some good preaching by Brother Plazer, we'll all make our way back to the fellowship hall or outside to the back of the church property under the trees for a real nice time.

Visitors, don't you worry about bringing a thing. That's right. The ladies of the church are taking care of everything. Mrs. Hanson has already worked with all the women to make sure each church family has something not to bring.

For our uncovered dish service, the Wilsons will not bring the fried chicken. The Jacksons will not bring the honey baked ham. The Johnsons will not bring the cokes. Mrs. Millford will not make a naner pudding. The Franklins will not be responsible for the green bean casserole with those dehydrated onions.

Any if you are visiting, don't you worry about a thing. That's right. Instead of a 5th Sunday Dinner on the Grounds get together, we are having a Fast on the Grounds gathering. You don't have to worry if you didn't bring nothing. Just bring your family and make your way back around to the fellowship hall after services for a real nice unpotluck (or is it potunluck?)

Sensational Choir Robes Unveiled

Moscow, Russia - Responding to repeated complaints of declining participation in choirs throughout the denomination, the Presbyterian Churches of America have turned to Russian fashion designer Natasha Glazkova for salvation. Ms. Glazkova unveiled this week at Moscow’s Fashion Week what she calls, “the perfect choir robe.” The PCA delegation attending MFW reportedly gaped in awe at her entry.

“Yes, of course they were all gasping,” Glazkova smiled complacently. “This wonderful robe is really the best of all your possible worlds—stunning, new, it’s everything.”

However, one MFW attendee, Marisha Stewart described it as reminiscent of “a giant pink guppy being reeled in,” adding, “There is just no way on God’s green Earth you’re ever going to get me into one of those things. Do you know how long the zipper is? And just how am I supposed to do our Sunday morning processional with my feet in flippers?”

“Such a boorish attitude” Glazkova responded. “The robe has ample room to walk around in and makes a pleasing swishing sound as you move. Just picture 70 women all swishing in together, shimmering in unison—a dream!”

Deaconess Sarah Sumpter of Fort Rhino Presbyterian Church, New Mexico voiced cautious support. “We’re desperate! Our choir is down to four ladies and one man. I don’t think it looks like a fish. Maybe a giant hummingbird, but if we don’t wear the pointy hat it may be okay.”

Each robe retails for under $700 including delicately transparent chiffon sleeves and boldly soaring head piece. PCA Pastor David Brake of Mount Zion Presbyterian Church is betting heavily on the new look to boost Sunday morning attendance. “I’m totally sold on this,” he enthused. “It’s costing us a bit, but I believe the choir is going to simply explode when the first 50 robes arrive.” I see us swelling to 200 singers in our choir loft before May Day. “And that’s just for the ladies. Ms. Glazkova has promised us something equally attractive for the men. She’s creating something to complement these robes that any real man will want to wear. My hopes couldn’t be higher.”

Elder Jefferson Wade of 1st Presbyterian Church of Colleta, Georgia isn’t so sure. “We’ll have to cut our missions budget in half to afford these robes. Still, I suppose if attendance really does go up and people get excited about giving, we could be money ahead fairly quickly. I just hope it’s worth it, but what else can we do?”

You Write the Satire!

Man Sees Image of Toast in Virgin Mary Picture

Chicago, Il - Hundreds of people are lined up outside of Terry Jenkins' apartment to see what some are calling "a miracle." The 45-year-old construction worker and life-long resident of Chicago is fast becoming a celebrity in his home city because of a startling discovery he made last week while praying. According to Jenkins he was praying while looking at a 5x5 picture of Mary in his apartment when something caught his eye.

"I had never noticed it before but there was something strange behind Mary's left hand in the picture," said Jenkins. "As I gazed at the picture and examined it closely it became clear that what I was seeing looked exactly like a piece of toast, just like the kind you would make for breakfast."

Jenkins immediately called several of his friends to come see what he had discovered. After several minutes of looking at the picture they all agreed also that it appeared that Mary was coving a piece of toast with her left hand. Word quickly began to get around the community. Soon people were showing up at Jenkins' door asking to see the picture.

As of Tuesday, over 900 people had come by to see the image. While some are skeptical, many are convinced that the appearance of the toast is indeed a miracle.

"It is a marvelous and wondrous thing that toast would appear to us in a picture of the Virgin," said Maria Sanchez, one of the spectators. "It is obviously white bread, only lightly toasted, perhaps with a little light spread of butter or margarine on top. I can only see the corner of the toast, so I don't know if there's any jam in the center or not."

Lakewood Church Announces New Slogan

HOUSTON, TX - At this Easter Sunday celebration, Lakewood Church had something special in store for its audience. Along with the normal new praise choruses, drama, puppet ministry, and man-centered preaching, Pastor Osteen announced that Lakewood Church would begin using a new slogan.

Pastor Osteen proclaimed, "I have said time and again what a big fan I am of John Piper. He is just such a good preacher and teacher. I still don't know where he gets all of his material. Anyway, he has a pretty good slogan. Pastor John says, 'God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.' Now that's a pretty good slogan.

"Even though I have great respect for Pastor John, I think we at Lakewood can do better. After all, God has given us a little different vision here at Lakewood than they have at Bethlehem Baptist. We live in a different part of the country, so it makes sense that our vision, focus, and new slogan would be different from theirs. We must be relevant to our people.

"The bible tells us that God wants what's best for us. For example, Romans 8:28 says, 'That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good' (Message). Paul is telling us that God is pleased and thrilled with you when you are most honored and have the most success you can in this world. God just loves you so much that he wants for you what you want for you. He is happy when you are happy. He is overcome with joy when you are joyful.

"Solomon in the Proverbs tells us that God helps those who help themselves. Isaiah said that God helps us pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. Peter told us that if we believe it, we can do it. John promises us that God loves us and has a wonderful plan for our lives.

"Because of verses like these, we decided to take Pastor John's slogan and tweak it just a little bit. You'll see that the words are the same, but the ordering is somewhat different. Our new Lakewood slogan is, 'God is most satisfied in us when we are most glorified in him.'

(Loud applause lasting about 45 seconds)

"Next week we'll look at what we believe the chief end of man really is.

Pope's Radical Call for Peace Shocks World

Vatican City - On Sunday during traditional Easter celebrations at St. Peter's Basilica Pope Benedict XVI shocked the World by calling for "peace." During his homily the Pope took the opportunity to make statements some have considered "historical" and "unprecedented," calling for peace in Iraq, Tibet and the Holy Land. He also took the opportunity to make other profound statements denouncing hatred, violence and injustice, causing many in attendance to repent upon hearing his words. World leaders also hailed the call as "an historical moment in the history of mankind."

"It is clear to me now as it has never been before" said Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez during his weekly television broadcast to his nation. "All this time I've been trying to rally this country against the United States and its allies, but I've been wrong. As the Pope said, we simply need to be at peace and stop being selfish. These are wise words. Let's just stop being selfish and hateful. I don't know why we didn't think of it before."

After his television address Chavez lived up to his own words by sending President Bush a dozen roses and a CD of Bette Midler's greatest hits. President Bush responded by saying, "I appreciate this show of friendship and commerraderany between our two nations."

Other world leaders reacted similarly to the Pope's words. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad issued a full apology to Israel for anything negative he has said in the past, expressing a desire to enter into full diplomatic relations with the country. North Korean President Kim Jong Il immediately relinquished power and turned full control of North Korea over to the South Korean government. And Chinese leaders denounced communism releasing all political prisoners and granted Tibet full independence. And for the first time that anyone can remember Israelis an Palestinians simply put aside their differences and embraced in the streets while singing "That's What Friends are For."

"All this time it was so simple" said Fidel Castro, former President of Cuba in a commentary published in a Havana newspaper. "All we simply had to do was stop being mean, selfish and hateful, and suddenly world peace breaks out. Oh if I'd only known years ago, nay decades ago that we as humans simply possessed within ourselves the ability to just stop doing what is wrong and live in perfect peace with one another. How many lives could have been spared the pain."

tx bble (The Text Message Bible)

Are you having difficulty getting your teenagers to read The Message? Is your daughter uncomfortable lugging around a cumbersome book? Does your son often fall asleep attempting to read those lengthy passages out of The Message with all the unnecessary letters?

Do you honestly want to see them grow in their spiritual life but don't know their language?

Well, d tx Message is the book for you... and we mean that. The d tx Message is NOT for your teenager. It's for YOU! The d tx Message contains everything you need to make a connection with your teenager (assuming your service provider establishes a clear signal.) With d tx Message, we've cracked the code so you can efficiently send a text message of every single sentence in The Message.

Here are two familiar excerpts from John:
in the vicinity of John 3:16
4t mn ^stairs so luvD d wrld dat he giv hs 1 n 1ly boy, dat hu Blevz n him shll nt di bt av lyf 4ever.
in the vicinity of John 1:1
n d Bginin wz d wrd. d wrd wz W God n d wrd wz God.

Just look at the efficiency of 1 Chronicles 26:18:
The Message
At the open court to the west, four guards were posted on the road and two at the court.
d tx Message
@ d opN cort 2 d west, 4 guards wr postD OTR n 2 @ d cort

"If getting The Message through to your loved one is a challenge, why not send a text message from The Message?" asked author Eugene Peterson. "Your teenager may not listen to the preacher preach or to your lectures. But whose teenager would ever let a text message go unread? There's no better way to get them to read The Message."

in the vicinity of Matthew 20:21
wadya wnt? Gsus askD. She z, I wnt my 2 sons 2B yr bff.

Just like the mother of the Zebedee brothers, we all want our children to be best friends forever with Jesus. Why not buy yourself d tx Message today?

Christian Leaders Ask Congress to "Take Care of Hell"

Washington D.C. - The issue of hell has always been a touching subject for Christians. Some over the years have been accused of focusing exclusively on the issue, often terrifying masses of people into conversions, while others have shied away from the subject even denying the existence of hell altogether. Few, it seems, have preached a balance of God's judgment and mercy together. But recently a new approach has been taken on hell, and a number of prominent Christian leaders from across the country are trying to get the government involved. Their mission: destroy hell completely and then no one can go there.

"Many have tried to escape the hell subject by denying its existence," said Rev. James Hutton, pastor of St. Vincent Episcopal Church in Ceaderville, MD. "While that idea sounds tantalizing, it's just not practical. There's just too much evidence that hell exists, so I must sadly agree that there is such a place. But that doesn't mean we can't do something about it."

Hutton is one of five pastors who testified before a Senate hearing on Thursday to petition the United States government to begin working on a plan to eliminate hell once and for all. The five pastors arrived at the hearing with letters from over 6,000 Christian pastors across the country who want the United States government to handle this issue.

"I think hell is a major security problem for our country," said Rev. Shela Leslie-Pinkerton, of First United Church of Christ, Long Island, New York. "The United States possesses the technology and resources to take care of this problem so that no one will ever be faced with the fear of going to hell again."

The five pastors have proposed a plan of action that includes three basic steps. First, the military will construct devices able to drill down through the earth until hell is reached. Secondly, a series of nuclear blasts will be set off to destroy the overall infrastructure of hell. Finally, hell will be inundated with liquid nitrogen, essentially freezing hell over.

"Once we remove the threat of hell all of humanity will benefit," said Hutton during his testimony. "It will also improve our standing amongst the international community. Just think of how popular we will be for doing this. With hell gone, people will finally be freed from fears of the afterlife to live peacefully and serve each other in love simply for the betterment of the human spirit."

Churches in India Divided over Federal Vision

Remunda, India - For over 10 years pastor Isia Cinjam has led a small flock of Christian believers in the little Indian village of Remunda. He became a believer almost 20 years ago when he encountered Australian missionaries in his home city of New Delhi. After working in the church there for several years he felt a strong calling to take the gospel to some of the unreached peoples in his country. So moved to the small, remote village of Remunda in India's east, not far from the coastline of the Indian Ocean. For about 5 years he lived among the people, every day sharing with them the good news of the gospel.

"One by one God opened hearts," Cinjam told TBNN. "I labored for so long with no results and then suddenly one day people began to show up at my house asking me about the gospel, asking me about Jesus. People wanted to become Christians!"

Almost overnight Cinjam's church began to grow until he had 30 converts regularly coming to services and being discipled. For the last 10 years he has seen members come and go, but a steady flow of new converts has kept him encouraged. But recently, a controversy has arisen within his church that now threatens to divide his small congregation.

"A new pastor named Aakash Chatura moved to Remunda about two years ago to start a work here," said Cinjam. "At first, I had no problem with this. There are many many lost people here who need the gospel, and I cannot do all of the work myself. I tried to work with him, and at first our relationship was good, but then I began to notice some of my people leaving our congregation and going to work with this other man. Soon they began to tell me strange things about baptism and communion."

It was not long before Cinjam became acquainted with a doctrinal system he had never heard of before known as the "Federal Vision." Cinjam is now concerned because the new teachings threaten to divide his church and the Christian believers in the village.

"We don't get anything productive done anymore it seems" said Cinjam. "Every time we get together for Bible study an argument starts about paedo-communion or the efficacy of the sacraments. Just the other day two of our brothers Narendra and Parmeet spent two hours arguing about the inner-trinitarian covenant and the visible and invisible church. When it was all over Narendra was accusing Parmeet of being a sacerdotalist! It really got ugly."

For now Cinjam does not know what he is going to do exactly.

"I'm trying to maintain peace amongst my people and keep my small church together, but it's getting harder and harder. Pastor Chatura keeps giving my people all of these strange books, and the latest is some book by a guy named N.T Wright about Paul. I just pray for wisdom in these matter."

Oliver Stone Presents "Three Testament" Theory

Hollywood, Ca - Film director and screenwriter Oliver Stone announced on Tuesday that he is currently casting for an upcoming film about the Bible called The Lost Testament. Stone, whose controversial 1991 film JFK presented the theory that there was a second gunman in the Kennedy assassination, began work four years ago on the film because of a personal conviction that something "just didn't seem right" about the apparent "contradictions" between the Old and New Testament. An Episcopalian turned Buddhist, Stone argues that there has to be more information out there that bridges the gap between the "God of Wrath" in the Old Testament and the "Jesus of Mercy" in the New Testament.

"I'm not a Christian, but I read the Bible," said Stone during an interview with TBNN. "I think there are some very valuable things in the Bible about love and kindness and compassion. But I cannot help but think that there's something missing between Malachi and Matthew. Of course, I've read the Apocrypha, but that doesn't even sufficiently answer some of these questions that I have. In the Old Testament people are being swallowed up by the ground, fire is coming out of the sky, whole cities are destroyed. And when I read in the New Testament Jesus is talking about mercy, loving your enemies and forgiving others."

As a result The Lost Testament presents the theory that there is a missing "Middle Testament" that makes sense of why, as Stone says "God changed." TBNN has already learned that Kevin Costner has been brought out of obscurity to play the lead roll of Dr. Jeff Padget, a Baptist preacher who goes on a quest to find the "missing testament." Along the way he comes to not only tolerate but embrace homosexuality, abortion and Islam, becoming the first Baptist/Islamic minister in the world. His quest finally takes him to Berkley, California where he supposedly finds all of the answers of life he's ever looked for.

"I think this film will really revolutionize the religious views of many out there," said Stone. "There has to be something that connects the Old and the New, and I think most people have never crossed that bridge, they've just jumped from one side to the other. We're hoping to find that bridge, or either make one up out of our own imaginations."

The Lost Testament is due to be released in December of 2008, just in time for the Christmas season.

Calvin Resurrected; Claims to be 3 and 1/2 Point Calvinist

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - In an event that has left the medical community stunned, John Calvin the Reformer (click here to read about a different John Calvin) was resurrected from the dead about three weeks ago. This has been kept silent until today for two reasons. First, because it would cause a media frenzy, Calvin's doctors did not want to immediately release the news to the press. Second, Calvin needed to be brought up to speed on things that have occurred since his death (such as the Puritan movement in England, the Enlightenment, the Industrial revolution, controlled electricity, manned-flight, the wars of the 20th Century, and the iPhone).

Calvin was gracious enough to sit down with TBNN for his initial interview with any media outlet (being Reformed does have some advantages after all). Although his first language is still French, he was kind enough to speak to us using the biblical language, 1611 KJV English (click here). We at TBNN have since translated what he said into modern English so all our readers can understand.

TBNN: Thank you so much for granting us this interview. We are deeply honored. How did this all happen?

Calvin: I have no idea. I just woke up in bed one morning in a hospital in Geneva.

TBNN: Let's jump right into things. Some Protestants today refer to themselves as "Calvinists." What do you think of this?

Calvin: It is actually kind of embarrassing and flattering. Some have said that I was an Augustinian, but I actually just thought of myself as being biblical.

TBNN: Calvinists have taken your teachings and distilled them into an easy to remember acrostic - TULIP. Have you heard of this, and could we ask you what you think of it?

Calvin: I never could fully trust that Theodore Beza. He was such a zealot, always showing up at my door at all times of the day and night. I think he came up with TULIP. Anyway, go ahead and ask me about it.

TBNN: We at TBNN consider ourselves to be Calvinistic. In other words, we hold to the five points of Calvinism. Where do you stand on this issue?

Calvin: This whole thing kind of bugs me. If you read my writings, you know that I wrote about a lot more than just five theological points. Unfortunately, many folks today who refer to themselves as Calvinists actually haven't read what I wrote. For that matter, most of my critics also haven't read my writings. Let's take TULIP point-by-point:

T - I'm torn over this one. I never really did completely figure out the book of Romans. Sorry, for those of you who bought my commentary set. On the one hand, Romans 3:10-11 tells us that no one is righteous or seeks God. On the other hand, Romans 10:9 seems to suggest otherwise. After over 400 years, I'm still unsure. Let's give it half a point.

U - Yes, I agree with this. No one would repent of his own free will. The world's pleasures are too enticing for that to happen. So God decided to choose some to be saved. Ephesians 1:3-5 makes this pretty clear. By the way, to "choose" means to "choose," not to look into the future.

L - No, I don't think there was any limit on the extent of Christ's payment. When Jesus died it was for all people. Look at I John 2:2 and 4:14.

I - A lot of people don't like this doctrine, but I do believe it is true. When an elect person is saved, he is able to see God for how wonderful he is. He would never resist this gift. The reprobate is never convicted of his sin, so his rejection of God is not a rejection of God's grace because it is never offered to him.

P -Yes, "Once saved, always saved" I always say. I think Paul addressed that in Ephesians 1:13-14. The key to remember is that it is God who preserves the elect; they do not do it for themselves.

So I guess you could call me a 3 and 1/2 point Calvinist.

TBNN: Well, we are certainly surprised to hear some of your conclusions. You've given us something to ponder. Now that you are alive, what do you plan to do with your time?

Calvin: I would like to do a lot of reading, and later some writing. I think I'll start with these youngsters John Owen and Jonathan Edwards. I've heard good things about them. Their writings don't look too complicated to me. After I finish with them, I want to move on to a newcomer named John Piper. Most folks seem to either really like him or, well, the opposite.

And by the way, you should be using my Institutes to teach your children's Sunday School classes.

"Bible Bow Tie" Not Getting Deserved Recognition

Spokane, Wa - The subject always seems to frustrate Pastor William Conner, especially in an election year.

"All we ever hear about is the 'Bible Belt, Bible Belt, Bible Belt'" said Conner. "Every television commentator talks about how the candidates did in the 'Bible Belt' but no one ever mentions us. It's as if we don't exist up here!"

The "we" to which Conner is referring is the little known area of the country some call the "Bible Bow Tie." The Bible Bow Tie is a small geographic area of Eastern Washington state and the Northern stem of Idaho which has a high concentration of evangelical conservative Christians. Few people seem to be aware of this area of the country as it is almost always eclipsed by the much larger area of the Southeast known as the "Bible Belt." But Conner is pushing to change this.

"We are a strong and growing region" Conner told TBNN. "Each year the number of evangelical Christians in the the Bible Bowtie grows by eight percent, and that's pretty significant. We also have had a strong influence over the years in the politics of our respective states pushing for more conservative agendas. I think it's time for the candidates to give us a little attention this year."

Conner has spent a considerable amount of time petitioning the major cable and broadcast news networks to run stories about the Bible Bowtie, hoping to draw attention to the region, but as of yet, none have responded to Conner's requests.

"We're not going to give up" said Conner. "Right now we're just a bow tie, but at our current rate of growth, that image could change. Already with some of the new areas that are developing we are poised to become the Bible Tank-top by 2016."

Remember the Moment Stopwatch $12.95

"If you cannot remember the exact moment you were saved, then you are NOT saved," -- Pastor William McDonald of Simpson, Tennessee.

"When you question your salvation, remember to trust that exact moment when you raised your hand," -- Pastor Douglas Krenshaw of Jimton, Alabama.

"Do you remember the time when you prayed the prayer? No? Then you wasted your breath." -- Pastor Rocky Gibbons of Wichita, Georgia.




Dear Friend,

Please take the following quiz regarding the time you were saved:
1. Write your approximate age (when you were saved) here:
2. Write the year here:
3. Write the month here:
4. Write the day of the month here:
5. Write the hour here:
6. Write the minute here:
7. Write the second here:

If you were unable to completely and accurately answer all questions, my dear friend, then you must acknowledge that you do not remember the moment of your salvation. We do not wish to cause you panic, dear friend. But please read the pastor's quotes above once again and think about the implications.

Has the wisdom of these pastors stirred your heart? Have you failed to remember the exact time of your salvation? Do you lack faith in your memory?

If the answer to these three questions is "yes yes yes" then please consider purchasing a Remember the Moment Stopwatch for the moment that you really get saved.

For this very important moment in your life, why not trust your salvation memories to Remember the Moment? All Remember the Moment Stopwatches are tested and retested so you will never fail to know the exact moment again.

With 7 different pre-programmed modes, you can precisely capture up to 7 different moment times. Here's how it works:
* Have your finger ready on the 1st button. When your foot touches the aisle, simply press the button.
* When the pastor touches your shoulder, press the button again.
* When you begin to pray the simple prayer, hit the button upon your first utterance of the word "Lord."
* Do the same at the very end of the prayer when you say "Amen."
* Since the Remember the Moment Stopwatch is waterproof, take it to your baptism and press the blue button as soon as you re-emerge.
* Finally, have the watch ready in case you ever pray any unknown words.
* The seventh mode is for any other exact time you would like to remember.

Why 7 different moments? Don't let the potential for a future change in theology spoil the moment. Consider the testimony of Ralph Lendleton, "When I attended the Baptist Church, I used to think the moment of salvation was the exact time I stepped into the aisle. After my conversion to the Church of Christ, I was so glad I had used the Remember the Moment Stopwatch during my Baptist Church baptism."

Even if you remember your moment, make sure to get one for the kids and grandkids before they make that big step. Be prepared the first time to reduce the chances of a future repeat when the moment is forgotten. Consider purchasing a Remember the Moment Stopwatch and placing it in your kid's hand before they leave for camp, before VBS week, before the annual evangelistic Sunday School, before chapel at the private school, and before the pastor and the rest of the EE team arrive on Monday nights.

The Remember the Moment Stopwatch can actually go beyond the moment and time your salvation to the nearest 100th of a second (set the watch to "twinkling of an eye" mode).

You don't want them to forget the moment. Get your Remember the Moment Stopwatch today!

Chinese House Churches Adopt KJV-Only Position

Zhongmu, China - A recent flurry of theological change has swept the Chinese secretive house church movement. A Chinese pastor, simply known as "Pastor Zheng" (full name withheld for safety reasons) told TBNN that because of recent convictions after reading literature by prominent KJV-only advocates that he and most other house church pastors have come to the conclusion that the King James Version of the Bible is the only accurate Bible in the entire world.

"The arguments are very obvious and the conclusions more serious" said Zheng. "After reading literature by such persons as Dr. Ruckman and Mrs. Riplinger I cannot help but say that the King James Bible is the only true Bible in the world today. All other translations, including our own Chinese translation must be corrupted, filled with errors. Therefore we in the house church movement of China will use only the King James Bible."

While Zheng is, overall, very excited about the change he does admit that there are some problems, namely that less than %0.10 of all house church attendees are able to understand English.

"My ability to speak English is rare amongst our people" said Zheng. "But that doesn't negate the fact that we must use this Bible no matter what. If we don't then no one can be saved."

Beginning last Sunday believers from all over the house church movement threw away their "corrupt" Chinese Bibles and picked up their brand new KJV 1611 editions that were passed out.

"I do not understand English" said one elderly woman through a translator. "But they say that this Bible I have here is the only true translation of the word, that it is perfect, and that if I want to go to heaven I must read from this Bible. It will be difficult because I am old, but I will try."

Unintelligible Man Speaks Clearly in Tongues

Pocataligo, SC - Everyone knows Donnie Lewis. The 58-year-old plumber from Pocataligo is always friendly and helpful to everyone in the community, at times making house calls in the middle of the night and refusing to charge his more elderly clients for work done. But while everyone loves and appreciates Lewis the fact remains that for as long as most people can remember no one has ever been able to understand him when he talks.

"He doesn't have a speech impediment or anything" said long-time friend Dorris Hinkle. "He just has this deep thick accent and tends to mumble out his words. I catch maybe ten to fifteen percent of what he says. But everyone loves him just the same. We just nod our heads and say 'Yeah, that's right' and kind of laugh when he says something."

Recently, though, something happened that has shocked and amazed almost everyone in the small South Carolina community. According to reports, two weeks ago during a "revival" service at the First Pentecostal Holiness Church of Pocataligo Lewis supposedly "received the gift of tongues" though in the most unexpected way.

"The service was really getting fired up" said Rev. Hal Abram, pastor of FPHC. "Donnie was sitting down there on the front row and I saw him with his hands raised in the air talking. But even over the noise I heard something, something that I had never heard before. I looked down and noticed that Donnie was talking and I could understand everything he was saying."

It wasn't long before the church became quiet and everyone in the congregation looked on and listened in amazement as Lewis stood in the church, eyes closed, hands raised to the air and spoke on perfect clear English.

"Everyone was dumbfounded" said Hinkle. "It was the first time I can ever remember completely understanding what Donnie was saying."

Lewis continued to speak for several minutes until he suddenly stopped, looked around at the crowd of people and proceeded to say something unintelligible to everyone. Since that day, Lewis has "received the gift" several more times, much to the delight and amazement of all of his friends.

"We look forward to every Sunday now" said friend Mark Holden. "After knowing Donnie all these years, it's just so nice to understand what he's saying. I just pray for him to speak in tongues more often."

Anointed Insoles

Responding to the growing popularity of prayer walking among evangelical charismatics, Dr. Scholl’s has boldly gone where no foot sole insert has gone before. The “Advantage Power Walk” foot insole is a soft cushioned insert prayed over by anointed men of God and guaranteed to produce powerful results in prayer walking.

Among others, televangelists Benny Hinn and Creflo Dollar both have jumped to be prominently among the first to endorse the new Advantage Power Walk foot insoles, citing statistics proving that prayer effectiveness surges when “the sole is at peace”.

“Comfort, O comfort my people” proclaimed Hinn on a recent Sunday at his World Healing Center Church, quoting Isaiah 40:1 and waving the golden hued inserts. “They’re called ‘advantage’ for a reason. We want everyone who loves our Lord to have a heavenly advantage when out prayer walking. Pick up a pair and get ready to feel the power flow!” While the power inserts normally retail for around $17, both Hinn and Dollar are offering them for $57 to fund ministry.

“They cost just a little more because I have personally laid hands of blessing on every single package we sell”, said Reverend Dollar. “The ministry is blessed by spiritually minded givers who depend on prayer, so we take special care to pray over what we sell and field test our products to make sure they are genuinely Holy Spirit energized.” How? “Just last week, I accompanied a semi truck loaded with these sanctified insoles through our city, praying for the lost in every home we passed. Church attendance rose immediately afterward, showing that something special had happened.”

Longtime World Changers Church International attendee Beth Charger agreed. “I don’t need to be told twice when the Holy Spirit speaks through Brother Creflo. I got my pair right away and have been prayer walking my neighborhood every evening for two weeks. Already I’ve noticed that houses that were closed tight in February are starting to open. Lately on my route, I’ve seen people outside in their yards and a few have even said hello. The Lord is really working!”

According to Hinn, one blessing to wearing the “power insouls” is that they are invisible to passersby. One can confidently pray silently while prayer walking without apparently being an aggressive warrior for God’s kingdom. Actually witnessing to people along the way while out prayer walking is, of course, a good thing, too.

Elder Jason Ricketts of Union Baptist Church in Peat Moss, Virginia rebutted, “Too bad the Apostle Paul didn’t have Dr. Scholl’s around to help him do effective prayer walking. Maybe that’s why the New Testament never mentions the practice.”

Charger disagrees, “Lots of our church members are out there prayer walking and witnessing now who before were just sitting at home. I’m just sorry for grumpy people who criticize what’s happening through these amazing anointed insoles. My experience is that they work! You can’t argue with that.”

Seminary Fractures over Amyraldism versus Molinism Debate

WAKE FOREST, NC - Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary has become just another symptom of the raging debate over Calvinism within the Southern Baptist Convention. The seminary Board of Trustees announced yesterday that the graduate school will be splitting into two separate seminaries beginning in the fall semester. The logistics of this fracture have yet to be worked out.

Dr. Danny Akin, saddened president of Southeastern, told TBNN, "This is a very sad day here at our school. I thought we could work through our problems. However, the theological differences were just too great. We could not, in good conscience, remain together on the same campus."

Several inside sources have shed light on the developing situation at Southeastern. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Everyone in the SBC knows that we have one Calvinistic seminary (Southern), and two Arminian + perseverance of the saints seminaries (Southwestern and New Orleans). Here at Southeastern, we tried to find a middle ground on this issue. Most of the faculty and staff wanted to affirm both God's sovereignty and man's free will. I thought we had done that. Unfortunately, we still fell into two main camps that could not be reconciled."

Dr. Stephen Walsh, professor of systematic theology at Southeastern, told TBNN, "The more and more we discussed this issue, the more we realized that about 45% of the faculty and students held to Amyraldism (click here to read about it). Another 45% or so believe that Molinism (click here) is most biblical. Fortunately for this campus, we only have about 5% Calvinists and 5% Arminians, so they have to lie low when these things are being discussed."

TBNN spent some time on the Southeastern campus to get a feel for how the students feel about all this. After interviewing about thirty students, we realized that most of them simply do not understand the difference between Amyraldism and Molinism. Jeremy Sanders, second year Southeastern student, said, "I honestly don't know what is going on. I mean, I know God is in control and that I have free will. Those are both obviously somewhere in the bible. As for Amyism and Molism, I don't really know what they mean or what the difference is."

The general consensus on campus is that since Dr. Akin is the president and also holds to Aryraldism, that faction of the seminary will remain on the current campus in Wake Forest. The Molinist group will have to find another location and form a new seminary. The problem for the Molinist group is reportedly that they cannot find any churches who actually hold to their position; therefore, they do not know where to go. They briefly considered joining with First Baptist - Woodstock, but after they found out about the upcoming John 3:16 Conference, they decided that that was not such a good idea.

Through quiet tears, President Akin admitted, "We tried to work out our differences, but in the end you have to choose a hill on which to die. We just couldn't fold to the Molinists. I love some of those men, but we had to stand up for what the bible teaches. We just couldn't continue to fellowship with those that are leaving. In the end, a split was unavoidable."

The "Osteen Archive" Not Catching On

Houston, Tx - Parker Herrington makes no excuses for the fact that he is Joel Osteen's "Number One Fan." For years now, since Osteen took over his father's ministry at Lakewood Church in Houston, Herrington has been faithful to attend every service, read every book Osteen has written and to maintain a Joel Osteen fan club online.

"I guess he just inspires me" Herrington told TBNN. "His words are just so powerful and so rich that I cannot help but be uplifted and empowered to new heights."

Recently, as part of a planned expansion of the online Joel Osteen fan club, Herrington decided to add a new section to the site called The Osteen Archive. According to Herrington, he got his inspiration from the popular online website The Spurgeon Archive maintained by Phil Johnson, who is also known for his work with John MacArthur's ministry.

"I knew about the Spurgeon site" said Herrington. "I can't say I'm a real fan of the guy. I mean, I'm sure he's alright, but he's so complicated and not nearly as uplifting as pastor Joel. But the idea of posting all of a pastor's sermons online is a great idea, so I adopted it myself."

The site was launched last month with Herrington uploading transcriptions of some of Osteen's most popular sermons online. The initial list included,

Your Best Life Now
Your Life, Best Now
Your Really Best Life Now
Your Better and Best Life Now
Now is Your Best Life
Is Your Life Best Now?
Now, About Your Best Life...
Life is Your Best Now
Your Life Now, Best?
Best? Now Your Life
Best Now, Your Life

While Herrington expected a huge influx of hits, he was disappointed with the initial response, telling TBNN that "We've really only had several dozen hits in the first month. I had hoped for more, but it just doesn't seem to be catching on too well."

Herrington hopes the site will gain more popularity as time goes by. In the meantime he is already beginning work on his newest website The Creflo Dollar Archive due to be launched next month.

Enjie Sname

Bartels, KY-- It was to have been a regular evening sermon and routine song service at Old Roads Baptist Church where Eugene Hargner served as pastor. But no sooner had Pastor Hargner sat up in his living room recliner when he received a phone call around 4 pm on that Sunday afternoon from Head Deacon Mason Witchel telling him not to come to the evening service.

Head Deacon Mason Witchel informed Pastor Hargner that his tenure as pastor had been terminated, effectively immediately. Former Pastor Hargner told TBNN, "He told me 'You can get your 2 week's severance in the church office on Monday morning. There is no need to come to church this evening.' That's how I found out!"

Hagner said he chuckled at first, sure that this was some kind of joke. He and the deacon's often had fun with each other, joking around. But, Witchel apparently made it clear that this was not a laughing matter.

When Hargner picked up his check on Monday morning, a severance letter was attached. The letter was the very first indication of the reason for his dismissal. Apparently, he had failed to say, "In Jesus' Name" at the end of his closing prayer on Sunday morning.

Former Pasot Hargner immediately requested a copy of the service to verify the accusation. He listened closely to the final prayer. He realized what had happened. It was a very short prayer that went: "As we just come before you Father in the only way we know how, in the name of our Lord Jesus, we just ask that you bless and guide us until we meet again. Amen."

It was true. There was no "In Jesus' name" given at the end of the prayer.

Former Pastor Hargner spent the rest of the day trying to explain that "In Jesus' name" isn't required at the end of the prayer. He told Deacon Witchel on numerous occasions that, if he would only listen to the entire prayer, it would become clear that the prayer was asked in the name of the Lord.

But each time Hargner asked, Deacon Witchel had only one question, "Did you or did you not say simply 'Amen' at the end of the prayer?"

TBNN representatives visited Old Roads on March 2nd with digital recorders to investigate prayer endings. We took the recordings back to the TBNN studios equipped with a very sensitive sound analysis system. We also had to put our best ears to the test to determine how the prayers ended.

We noticed that most prayers ended abruptly and quickly. But almost every time, prior to the very end, there was a short pause as if the prayor had ended. But then a quick burst of several slurred syllables. Under further review using slow-notion phonography, to the best of our knowledge, the 5 prayers that day ended with:

(1) enjieSName
(2) jeesNAME
(3) YUHnemwuhPRUH
(4) enyuhnemwe pruh
(5) jeesnemPRAY

With precision measurement, the length of the endings were meausured within a small range of from 0.08 seconds to a maximum of 0.34 seconds.

We brought the tapes to Deacon Witchel on Pastor Hargner's behalf to show that absolutely no one said "In Jesus' name" at the end of a single prayer on the morning of the 2nd. Deacon Witchel was surprisingly willing to talk. "All of those endings were perfectly acceptable. It's not the actual words you use, but the heart that matters. Each of those prayors obviously had it in his heart to properly close the prayer."

This Week in Photos 2/7/2008

North Korean Leader, Kim Jong Il, seen here auditioning

for the next installment in the Left Behind movies.  He is

hoping for the role of "Buck" but at this time will take

whatever he can get.

Mary Claire Carpenter, a life-long member

of Long Roads Baptist Church can never 

seem to understand why the congregation

won't let her be a Sunday morning greeter.

During a press conference Senator and 

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is

stumped by the old trick question "Is the 

book of Hezekiah in the Old or New 

Testament?"

Eco-Friendly churches in California began

experimenting with various ways to leave 

less of a carbon footprint in their worship.  

For starters one church removed all their pews.  

Concerned Christians everywhere took to the streets in 

protest over comical depictions of Pastor Joel Osteen by

one popular newspaper.

Russian Election Declared To Be Both "The Will Of God" and "Biblical"

TBNN welcomes to our team of fairly unbalanced reporters Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill comes to us with a long list of credentials that we won't list here. Just trust us.

Moscow, Russia - The recent landslide election of Dmitry Medvedev was declared to be the "the will of God" and "entirely biblical" by Alexei the Second, Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church. The Patriarch made his pronouncement during a press conference where he praised Medvedev and pledged support of the ROC's resources to bolster his presidency.

The Russian Orthodox Church has increasingly gained prominence in recent years, taking every opportunity to portray Russian Orthodoxy in partnership with Russian political power. Vladimir Putin, Russia's current president has encouraged this linkage by reciprocating in kind, softening his former-KGB image by proclaiming himself to be a "true Russian Orthodox believer" and vowing to push the ROC's agenda to regain power even as the ROC supports Kremlin control.

The fact that Medvedev was the only candidate given free access to the press, unhindered from campaigning and never jailed throughout the campaign season was down played by Kremlin spokesmen. It was clear from the beginning that only one candidate would seriously be presented to the Russian public for this vote. The Organisation for Security and Co-operation in Europe (OSCE) boycotted the election in protest of the one-sided measures taken by President Putin's team to ensure Medvedev's success.

Calvinists across Russia ruefully found themselves in agreement with Patriarch Alexei. "It certainly does appear that God's will has been done," commented Carl Maxim, a Baptist missionary serving in Archangel, Russia. "Whenever something happens, looking back, we must accept historical fact as the voice of God, at least in a passive will sense."

Russian Baptists throughout Russia were, however, quick to challenge the Patriarch's claim that the election was "biblical". Nickoli Nickoliavich, pastor of a small congregation of Russian Baptists in Omsk complained, "The election was entirely Russian, but not entirely biblical."

Countered Patriarch Alexei, "But the election was biblical. The same thing happened when God brought Eve to Adam and said, 'Go ahead, choose your wife.'"

Ruckman Declares Himself to be "DOS 6.11-Only", Riplinger Writes Book on Subject

Pensacola, Fl - Dr. Peter S. Ruckman, the outspoken defender of the exclusivity of the King James Version of the Bible, declared in a recent article that DOS version 6.11 is "the only true and perfect operating system." In the article, which appeared in the March edition The Sword of Truth magazine, Dr. Ruckman was asked about which software he uses when he writes his books. Ruckman responded by saying,

"I exclusively use Word Star for DOS 6.11. The 6.11 version of DOS is pure and undefiled in every way. Take a look at today's new modern operating systems, and you'll clearly see that they are filled with errors and take away entire functions."

Ruckman, during the interview went on to say that all modern versions of operating systems are inventions of the "Alexandrian Cult," and utilize faulty programming languages.

"There's no need to reference all of these different programming languages" stated Ruckman. "Languages such as C, C+, Java, ABCL/1 and Agora, these are all tricks of Satan to deceive people about the truth and purity of DOS 6.11.


In a related story, TBNN discovered that upon the publication of the article, the controversial author of New Age Bible Versions, Gail A. Riplinger had already written a book on the subject of computer operating systems entitled New Age Operating System Versions. In Riplinger's 914 page book she claims to provide "indisputable proof" that modern operating systems are part of a New Age plot to destroy the purity of DOS 6.11. In the book Riplinger quotes from an interview with Microsoft founder Bill Gates where he says,

"Windows Vista...is...by far...poised...to take over...the world. We at Microsoft believe that...if people...will...just use...our...operating system...that we...will be able...to...turn...them to...the...dark...side."

Riplinger also goes on to demonstrate in her book through the use of multiple charts numerous "proofs of conspiracy" that she claims were "revealed by God" when she was writing the book. In one chart she uses something called "Acrostic Algebra" to show that modern operating systems are evil.



Ruckman went on to state that he also plans to write a book on the subject of operating system versions due out next week.

Note: Listen to this debate between Dr. James White and Gail Riplinger if you want more of a background on this post.

Obama Explains Election Process

DALLAS, TX - Barack Obama, the front-runner for the Democratic Party nomination for president of the United States, recently addressed a supportive crowd in Texas. As he spoke, the senator from Illinois took some time to explain to the Texans just how be believes election works.

According to Obama, "I see a time coming in Texas when the great people of this state will rise up together in unity. We can all sense wonderful times ahead. We can achieve peace, harmony, and prosperity if we all work together. Yes, we have some minor differences, but don't worry about that. If you desire great change and great surprises, then anoint me to represent the Democratic party in November's election.

"Speaking of the election, I'd like to take just a minute to explain to you exactly how the process of election works. You may not realize just what it means to elect someone. You may be thinking that if you elect someone, that means you are actually choosing him or her. When you pull the lever in the voting booth, you may assume that you are actually picking out that person for something special. However, that cannot be the case because it wouldn't be fair to the people you didn't vote for. For example, if you simply elected me, that wouldn't be fair to Hillary. The same is true the other way around. After all, we both want to be president.

"This is what election really means: when you go to the polls, you are actually looking far into the future. You are then realizing which candidate would choose you. Then you are electing them based upon what you saw occur in the future. This may sound tricky and complicated, but, trust me, it's how the system works.

"Know this, my Texan friends, I would choose you. Therefore, it would be unfair if you didn't elect me. Also, once you make up your mind, please don't change it. Hillary doesn't believe as I do - she thinks this election has been rigged from the start. She keeps talking about how she just isn't being treated fairly. My guess is that people realize she wouldn't pick them."

TBNN was on the scene for this historic speech. Afterwards, several Dallas residents looked confused. We asked Mr. Bubba (Tex) Simmons what he thought of Obama. "Well, he seems like a nice guy. I don't know much about him, but I'll probably vote for him anyway. The only thing that bothered me is that I used to think I knew what it meant to elect someone. To elect means to choose based on what I want. To look into the future and see if he would choose me? That just seems doggone silly."

Global Warming Helping Church Youth Groups Spend More Time at the Beaches

Destin, Fl - While the idea of "global warming" usually carries with it a negative connotation for most people, for the youth group of New Hope Unity Fellowship of Destin, it means "fun in the sun." With winter temperatures being well above normal in the Florida panhandle area over the past few years, church youth groups from around the south have been taking advantage of the warmer temps to start their usual summer activities several months earlier.

"While it normally stays rather mild here during the winter, the past few years have been particularly warm" said New Hope's youth pastor, Chris Fountain. "We've been hitting temps in the mid to upper 80's even in January and December, and that makes for a really nice day at the beach for our kids."

So this year for their winter youth retreat, instead of heading to West Virginia for a ski trip, New Hope just headed down to the beach with their kids. The subject of this year's retreat, "Christian Modesty."

"We had a great week down there at the beach" said Fountain. "Covering a subject like modesty takes a lot of careful planning. We try to stress it amongst our teenagers, especially when we take trips to the beach. We require all of the girls' swimsuits to be at least modest two-piece outfits. The guys, of course, just wear swim trunks. And there can be no hand holding while on the beaches, that's important too."

Fountain's group rented a beach house for the week of their retreat. Each day was filled with a combination of Bible study and "fun" activities.

"I spent a lot of time talking just with the guys" said Fountain. "I told them 'Hey guys, I know it's hard, but just don't look. You got to just turn your head when those girls are out there running around in front of you on the beach.' I know it's tough for them, but I think they're getting it. I also told them that they need to talk with these girls. These girls need to know if they're doing anything to cause their brothers to stumble. And I was so proud of my guys. Later in the week I saw them really spending some time talking to the girls, especially out on the beach during the day. Here they were using up their free time to have some serious spiritual conversation with these girls and let them know how they felt."

So for now, "global warming" is a welcome development amongst the New Hope Youth Group. A number of the teens have expressed their enthusiasm about returning to the beach multiple times during 2008.

"Yeah, we really want to come back again for Spring Break" said 10th-grader Derek Coleman. "I really liked having those spiritual conversations on the beach. Yeah, that was fun."

"It's their call" said Fountain. "We can go other places if they want, but if they like staying right here around town then that's fine with me. I thought the time was really beneficial."