Belated Christmas Gift for Our Arminian Readers

Just in time for the New Year Celebration, TBNN wants to offer a belated Christmas gift to all of our Arminian readers. The gift (pictured above) is a large pair of scissors. These scissors will allow you, of your own free will of course, to cut out any parts of scripture that you do not like. For example, you may need to begin by slicing through John 6, John 10, Romans 8-11, and Ephesians 1-2.

We hope you find this gift helpful as you try to keep your theology consistent.

Happy New Year!

Grace Assembly Members Read Through The Bible

Germantown, TN-- Twenty three members of the Grace Assembly congregation, comprising about 40% of Sunday morning attendees, plan to complete the Bible by Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at midnight. Their journey began back on January 1, 2008 when 25 members agreed to undertake the Read Through the Bible program established by Pastor Johnson.

In a formal dedication ceremony, all 25 members were given a gift certificate to Lifeway for $50 toward the purchase of a new Bible of their choice. Each member was also given a 1-Year Bible Plan which detailed the amount of reading that needed to be performed each day in order to complete the entire Bible in 1 year.

"I did it! I did it!" said Sally Winthrop, 28. "I'm glad I made the commitment."

Sally and 22 others from Grace Assembly have remained on track the entire year-- well, almost on track. "But I couldn't have done it if it weren't for Pastor Johnson's techniques and incentives," said Sally.

"I had a few tricks up my sleeve," said Pastor Johnson. "If anyone got behind, we had methods to help them back on track."

For example, Pastor Johnson had monthly Ketchup Days where anyone who was behind on their readings by the last Sunday of each month had to walk the aisle during the morning service, sit in a chair facing the congregation, and receive a squirt of ketchup to the face. The first squirting episode in January is the reason Dawn Gaspard and her husband left the church and became the only two participants to drop out of the program.

"I worked very hard to keep the people on schedule," explained Pastor Johnson. "I sent reminder emails each day, made phone calls each week, and visited each person monthly. My main goal for the last year has been to get these people to read the Bible. I'm proud to say that it looks like I'm accomplishing this goal for 23 people."

TBNN asked several of The 23 what they learned most while reading the Bible this year. James Barton, 35, answered. "I learned that if I set my mind to do something, I can get it done."

"I learned that it takes a team to complete a task like this," answered Milley Baxter, 67. "The support from the other team members helped me through."

Marla Krystal was thankful for good leadership. "I learned that you can't do something like this without a great encourager like Pastor Johnson. He was always there for me when I was down and I didn't want to read. He understood."

Others were very pleased with the daily plan. "Reading through the Bible in a year has taught me to pace myself in other things. There are several tasks that I've been wanting to get done for years. The Bible has been an example I can follow to pace myself in 2009 and make sure to get these other tasks done," explained Walter Bowen, 42.

"I've grown so much through this experience," Sheila Bowen, 41. "It's such a good feeling to close the Bible each day and know I'm exactly where God wants me to be in the plan."

"I think the best thing in our family has been the improvement in our daughter's reading skills," said Jennifer Blackwell whose 14 year old daughter Kaylie is the youngest member of The 23 who is scheduled to finish on time.

The Episcopal Church Introduces "InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas"

NEW YORK, NY - In a move that has excited some but troubled others, The Episcopal Church yesterday introduced the new winter holiday that it will be promoting - InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas. The clear purpose of this holiday, according to the presiding bishop (The Most Reverend Katharine Jefferts Schori), is "to take into account the needs of the members of all our congregations, whether or not they are actually followers of Jesus Christ."

Bishop Schori went on to say, "It seems silly of us to assume that all Episcopalians will be Christians and therefore want to celebrate Christmas. Frankly, that seems a bit narrow. We in the Episcopalian church have a broad tent. We welcome those shunned by others such as Wiccans, New Agers, and the Occult. Because of this, we realize that we need to let each member himself or herself decide what type of winter holiday best fits his or her needs. Thus, the name - InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas.

As mentioned above, while some within the church are excited by this move, others are troubled.

For example, Jackie Gellar of Santa Cruz, CA told TBNN, "This is a great joy and relief to me. I've been an Episcopalian all my life, but lately I've dabbled in a combination of Vishnu-worship, yoga, snake-handling, and palm reading. I'm kind of making it up as I go. Because of this, I just didn't want to celebrate Christmas this year. However, I did want to celebrate something. I don't yet know what I'm going to call it, but I'm so happy that whatever I do celebrate will be acceptable to my Episcopal church."

Dan Belford (Dayton, OH), on the other hand, is not happy about the new ruling. Belford said, "It has been difficult for the past few years to remain in the Episcopal church. I guess my problem is that I keep reading the bible. My local rector tells me this is dangerous, but I just can't help it. Then when I look at my church, well, it just appalls me. Now we have this new 'whatever-it-is holiday.' Quite honestly, I might have to start visiting the PCA church down the street from my house."

Despite the mixed reviews, Bishop Schori is excited about the new holiday, saying, "In order for this to be a truly happy time of year, we need to meet the needs of all people. It troubles me that only a few groups can claim this time of year, such as the Jews, Muslims, Africans, and Christians. In order to, like Paul, be all things to all people, we're going to let all people decide what to celebrate."

Schori summed it up like this, "Who are we to tell people what to celebrate? The important thing is that they are celebrating something. Have a Happy Holiday!"

From the Archive: Pastor Struggles with "Terrible Sermon Illustrations"

Note: I thought that during this time of hiatus that I'd go back and pick out some of my old favorites. These posts are not necessarily ones that were the most popular when they were originally posted, but they were ones that I liked doing.

ST. PETERSBURG, MARYLAND

The Reverend Steve Roman has been the pastor of First Baptist Church St. Petersburg for almost ten years. While loved by his congregation for his charm, whit and devotion to his people, Roman has begun to struggle over the past few years with an inability to come up with sermon illustrations that remotely make sense.

"It all began about four years ago." Said Roman. "I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly I just couldn't come up with a sermon illustration anymore that was clear. It was as if I used up all my good ones during my first six years of ministry and just ran out of stories to tell. It seems that no matter how hard I try anymore everyone is just baffled by the point I'm trying to make."

In a recent sermon delivered by Roman on Joshua 6 and the defeat of Jericho by Israel, he stated,

"The fall of the walls of Jericho was like when you're eating a bag of chips on your couch. You're relaxed and calm, you're looking for the remote, and you don't want to be disturbed, and suddenly the dog just jumps into your lap or the phone rings and you have to get up. It bothers you because it shakes up your relaxation. And when Jericho's walls fell it really shook the wicked people of that city off of their couches. We really need to be shaking people's couches."

"I just can't seem to get my illustration sense back." Said Roman. "When I'm up there in the pulpit what I'm saying seems to make sense, but then after I say it I can see the utter confusion on everyone's faces. When I go back and listen to the recordings I just ask myself 'What were you thinking?'"

Unfortunately, the problem has extended beyond Roman's illustrations to his analogies also. Some recent excerpts from his sermons revealed the following comparisons,

"The flood came upon the land like a bucket of bloated whale blubber."
"The wickedness of Ahab was worse than all the cars in China."
"David looked upon Bathsheba with lust, like a cat in a hail storm."
"Noah's Ark was huge, like a big boat."

"We so want to support him." Said member Amber Lee. "We love him, and we know he means well, but I honestly haven't understood a single one of his sermons for months now. I don't know if he can read some books or something to get better, but something needs to be done."

In an effort to hopefully remedy the situation Roman plans to take a three month sabbatical this summer to spend time coming up with some new illustrations.

"I've just lost my touch, and I need to get it back." Said Roman. "Hopefully this summer I'll be able to get some thoughts organized, possible have some funny things happen to me so that I'll be able to communicate with my people again. Being this way is like falling out of a tree while eating an apple."

The Pastor's Salary, At The Minimum, Should Include

At Large, USA -- TBNN correspondents are currently at an undisclosed church location in the US trying to gather information concerning recent Bylaw changes regarding the pastor's salary.

Due to the large probability of increased rumor and gossip (and possibly increased panic) TBNN is not releasing the location or the names of those involved.

TBNN was able to verify the accuracy of a copy of an official motion from the deacons at a recent business meeting, regarding the pastor's 2009 salary package. The motion read:

• The pastor's salary, at the minimum, should include medical insurance, retirement benefits, and $100 in yearly conference support.

Given that the business meeting followed a lengthy 3 hour Christmas Cantata practice, and given that a neighborhood Christmas parade was about to begin, the business meeting was short and this motion passed without discussion.

The trouble began a week later when the personnel committee attempted to come to a consensus on the interpretation of the salary motion. The personnel committee concluded that the motion instructed them to pay the pastor the minimum wage of $6.55 per hour based on a 40 hour work week. "The motion clearly states that the pastor's salary is to be at the minimum," explained one member of the committee. "I feel we were overly generous in giving him a straight salary based on 40 hours. If had a time clock in his office, he could never generate anything close to 40."

The committee also concluded that the motion instructed them to include insurance, benefits and conference expenses in the salary-- meaning those items were to be subtracted from the salary prior to the pastor receiving his payroll check. "The motion passed by the church body clearly says 'including,'" said another member of the personnel committee.

"This was not our intention at all," said a representative from the Deacon Board. "The personnel committee has a long history of refusing to provide any benefits for the pastor. They claim he should have faith for healing and use his own money for conference vacations. They've always laughed at the idea of setting aside funds for his retirement. 'His retirement package is already out of this world!' they claim."

The deacon chairman was incensed, "All we wanted to do was make sure that [the pastor] starts getting some other benefits besides salary. The personnel committee is made up of a bunch of Scrooges."

No matter which way it goes, the pastor appears to be pleased. "Regardless of the interpretation, I'm looking forward to my increased salary package in 2009."

Atheists Rated Angriest, Not Smartest

For the last 50 years or so, atheists in the United States and Europe have declared that they are smarter across the board than are the various groups of "simple folks" who follow one god or another. When interviewed, if an atheist is pinned down by a good question, his response will almost always be some variation of, "We are just smarter."

The National Institute of Mental Health recently decided to put this theory to the test. The NIMH, which is made up largely of atheistic psychiatrists, wanted to prove, once and for all, that atheists are more intelligent than theists.

In order to perform this study, the NIMH reportedly interviewed over 10,000 people. The interviewees fell into two main groups: those who claim to believe in no god, and those who believe in any god. The second group was further subdivided among Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and Wiccans. All 10,000 people were asked a series of 200 questions related to vocabulary, history, music, literature, current events, etc. They were also asked to complete several nonverbal puzzles. Finally, they were asked several intrusive questions to see how they would respond emotionally.

The results of the study were, according to the NIMH, "Quite surprising." When all the interview results were tabulated, the clear conclusion regarding intelligence was that atheists and theists are equally smart. There were no significant differences among any of the groups or subgroups.

The only significant finding was one that was not expected. The results showed that atheists are significantly angrier than are theists. This was a consistent finding across all the questions of the lengthy interview. For example, atheists are angrier about their family situations, their jobs, their social standing, and especially the state of the country. As for the subgroups among the theists, while the Hindus and Buddhists were least angry, the Muslims were angriest.

Immediately after the publication of the study, an atheist group based out of Seattle, WA responded. The group, named More Atheist Dogma (MAD), said in a statement, "These results are ridiculous! They are just stupid! It must be that the leadership of the NIMH is made up of right-wing Christians and Jews! We are not angry, and even if we were it would only be because of the oppression we face every day! But we're not mad!"

ACLU Judges Nativity Scene as "Non-Biblical," Drops Lawsuit

Baxter, Tennessee— After a long battle of back and forth name calling, sits-ins, and a news media frenzy the American Civil Liberties Union Foundation on Friday dropped a lawsuit against the small town of Baxter, the county seat of Smith County, Tennessee.

Complaints were first reported to the ACLU-TN on August 24th after Baxter County Courthouse employees erected a nativity and decorated a Christmas tree on the front lawn of the courthouse to begin Christmas celebrations.

“Religious displays in front of homes and churches are protected by the first amendment,” Harry Reasoning, ACLU-TN spokesman, was quoted in local papers in mid-September. “But the courthouse is a governmental property that cannot be used to promote religious beliefs.”

Courthouse clerk Brian Clampett was at the forefront of the battle in support of the display he helped create. In October, Clampett felt threatened by the “outsiders” and was quoted saying, “We don’t need no one coming in here telling us how to do things. I’m the one who made that star, and I hung it up there,” said Clampett pointing to a large mass of star-shaped aluminum suspended from a pin oak with 60lb test line approximately 20 feet above the manger.

Along the way, the battle of words turned physical. One scuffle near the 3 kings' camel holding pen, frightened one camel enough so that it bolted through the railings and remained loose for over three days during the week of Halloween.

But it has all come to an end. The ACLU-TN officially announced on Friday that their research has deemed the nativity scene as “secularized enough.” “After careful research, we have discovered that most scenes on the courthouse lawn can be described more accurately as American tradition than religious in nature,” said Reasoning.

In a written statement, Reasoning explained, “Most scenes have no Biblical support, including (1) Mary’s riding on a donkey, (2) the appearance of an innkeeper, (3) the use of a small feeding trough that is just the right size to hold a baby, (4) the idea that shepherds brought sheep out of the fields to see the baby, (5) the notion that there were only 3 men from the east, (6) the thought that the men from the east were kings wearing crowns, (7) the conclusion that the men from the east saw a baby in a manger, and (8) the speculation that Shrek was one of the wise men. Therefore, given that the scene is largely non-Biblical or religious in nature, we are dropping the lawsuit.”

Cleaning Out The Closet Before Christmas

I have a list of potential news stories that I store in my Possible News Stories Closet (okay, it's actually a Word file). If I think I have a good idea during the week, I open the file and toss in a headline or even a partial story. Then, on Friday night or Saturday morning, I open this Possible News Stories Closet, retrieve a headline or partially written story, and then attempt to complete it for publication.

As I stare into the Closet this morning, there is a bunch of junk in here that I really need to throw out. I don't think I'm ever going to use it. Many of these things seemed really funny at the time. All of the things I'm tossing out are things that I don't want to use anymore. I am not developing some of these simply because I don't feel that I'm capable of gimping an adequate photo.

I'm committed to tossing out 10 things. The ideas are not fully developed, that's why they were still in the closet. But you may be able to see where I was going. In any case, as I clean out the closet, maybe there is something in these partially developed thoughts and stories that you can use.


1. The Syncretism Hymn Book
Hindu, Muslim, Jews, and Christian join together for a book of songs in which all can freely sing without loss of conviction. Christian contributions include: In the Secret; Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord; You Are Worthy of My Praise

2. Missouri Pastor Asked to Take Sabbatical Over Texas Comments
This story had to do with BCS Bowl rankings when Missouri and Texas may have had a chance.

3. Robert's Rules of Order Now Contains "I Prayed About it Motion"
The "I Prayed About It" motion takes precedence over all other motions. It preempts any rule or bylaw of the church. It calls for an immediate vote regardless of other discussion. Note: I felt this may be too narrow for those who haven't been exposed to Robert. I went with the "I Prayed About It Cards" instead. Those of you who attend a lot of business meetings may appreciate this thought.

4. The Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar
In an effort to reverse recent drops in tithes and offerings, prosperity preachers have teamed up to raise funds with the Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar. "We are willing to expose ourselves for money."

5. Church Splits Over "3 Uh-Huhs"
The church youth group was so happy when 14 year old Marci Williams helped 4 year old Laci Johnson accept Jesus in her heart between the Ramblin Rocky Road Snack Shack and the Rickshaw Racetrack during the “Best of the Past” VBS this summer. All was going well. The Women’s Hand Dance Team joined together and baptized Laci the following Sunday.
On July XXX, however, at the regularly scheduled monthly business meeting, someone questioned whether Laci really understood what she was doing when she answered the ABC questions. As it turns out, Marci said Laci did answer every question on the ABC card as Marci read them. However, when Marci relayed the story, she said, “Laci answered ‘uh-huh’ to every question.” “Marci has stuck to this story,” said XXX. “If Marci said Laci said ‘uh-huh’ then she did just that.” Ms. XXX questioned what “uh-huh” meant. “Are we sure that Laci didn’t say ungh-uh?”

6. The Reservation
Peter at the Gate: Do you have a reservation?
Jerry: Yes, I walked the aisle and made a profession and was baptized.
Peter at the Gate: I’m sorry Jerry. But I don’t see that you were saved anywhere in the system.
Jerry: I don’t understand. Do you show where I had my Bible signed?
Peter at the Gate: Yes, we do, unfortunately, you’re not saved.
Jerry: But, I had a reservation. You’re supposed to have a spot for me.
Peter at the Gate: I know what a reservation is.
Jerry: I don’t think you do… because if you did… I’d have a spot. See, your representatives know how to take the reservation. They just don’t know how to HOLD the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

7. The Ummm Church
Church renames itself to the Ummm Church so as not to give glory to any particular thing. "We didn't want to unnecessarily glorify the town name or the lay of the land."

8. Correction: SBC Did Not Cannonize Robert's Rules of Order
The accusations are false. "We have not, and never will canonize Robert's Rules of Order. The next edition of the HCSB will only contain an abbreviated Robert's Rules of Order as an appendix after the book of Maps."

9. Student Fails Out of RTS, Graduates with High Honors from Liberty University

10. Conversationopoly: A Sunday School Game
Take over an entire conversation. Only those in power can speak. You can only speak if you have built up power within the game. The goal: to take over the entire conversation. You choose the direction people can go. You choose the topic. If you change the topic, those with less power have to stick to your topic. You control the game by grabbing the dice. No need to wait or be nice. There are no rules. Simply obtain the dice any way you can. Grab, wrestle, kick, bite, slap, punch, whatever. You have the dice? You choose the topic. Some people may get up and walk away, choosing not to participate in such random, rude rules. But that’s good for those remaining. The winner is the last one talking.


Ahhhh... it feels good to toss some things out.

Vandals Distort Catholic Church's Marquee

PROVIDENCE, RI - The lack of respect for the church continues.

The latest example has been happening repeatedly in Providence, Rhode Island. St. Peter's Catholic Church has displayed announcements for several years on its marquee. This sign has been a source of helpful and encouraging information for the faithful Catholics in central Providence.

However, during the last six months "vandals" have repeatedly changed the wording of the message on the church marquee. This has left priests and parishioners frustrated, but they and the police seem impotent to do anything about it.

Dr. David Upton, priest at St. Peter's, said, "A group of vandals seems to have targeted our church. We do not know why we are the aim of this persecution. We try to meet the needs of all those in our community by serving mass to all who ask for it. We also encourage all our people to faithfully pray to the Holy Virgin for strength during this trial. The reality is that we have no idea when the vandals will strike next. It is intimidating and discouraging."

According to the Providence Police Department, the vandals have altered the message of the church sign on a total of 17 different occasions since June of this year. Although the marquee is locked, the vandals seem unfazed. They do not break the lock, but somehow manage to get in nonetheless.

Priest Upton elaborated on the mischief, saying, "Some of our older folks are greatly disturbed by the meanings of what we find. The sayings the vandals leave seem to be intended to shake us to the core. They leave only hurtful, angst-producing little slogans as they move the little letters around inside the marquee. We just wish they would desist so that we could get back to our normal routine of the mass."

When asked what types of sayings and slogans the vandals had been leaving behind, Upton replied that they are the worst kind. According to the priest, "Even curse words would be better than what we have seen. Since the end of October in particular, the messages have been more and more offensive."

Priest Upton gave TBNN a list of dates and sayings:

November 1 - "Justification by faith alone"
November 7 - "Sola scriptura"
November 12 - "Mary didn't die a virgin."
November 15 - "Sola fide"
November 21 - "The bible is God's word."
November 24 - "We are a kingdom of priests."
November 28 - "The Pope is fallible."

On December 1st, the "vandals" left the worst message yet. Priest Upton, in tears, reported to the police that on the night of November 30th, the marquee said simply, "Give your all to the church." When he arrived on the morning of December 1st, the marquee had been vandalized to say, "Soli Deo Gloria!"

Upton reportedly cried out to the police, saying, "When will this disrespect come to an end?!"

Sunday Morning Worship Rescheduled To Begin "About The 4th Hour"

Jasper, MS—First Baptist Church of Jasper will no longer be under pressure to begin morning worship at 10 am as they have been attempting to do for the past 62 years. In a bold announcement on Friday, Pastor Harlan Richardson formally announced the change of the official start time of Sunday morning worship to “about the 4th hour.”

Pastor Richardson explains, “After years of attempting to start the worship service at 10 am, I am ending this manmade pressure.”

For those of you not familiar with early New Testament clockworks, “about the 4th hour” would refer to approximately the time between 10 am and 11 am, the fourth hour of the day. Note that the Jewish day began at 6am.

Pastor Richardson places a lot of emphasis on the word “about” in Scripture. Plenty of Biblical precedent exists for beginning church activities at “about” a certain hour. “I have a real peace that we are in keeping with scriptures in the New Testament to start about the 4th hour. Such declarations regarding non-rigid time schedules are made 6 times in Matthew, twice in Luke, 3 times in John, and 4 times in Acts.” Pastor Richardson explained.

“We might as well change the time,” said Betsy Bibbs . “We’ve never started at 10 anyways. I get here every Sunday by 9:55, and I usually have to wait 15 to 20 minutes before we hear the first announcement.”

“It’s those musician people,” said Krissy Withmore, 13. “Like, you know, they always are late or whatever.”

“This is bad,” said Dan Bradford shaking his head. “At least we used to try to be on time. Now, who knows what time we’ll really begin? Sometime between 10 and 11 to start? I have to have a better schedule than this. How am I supposed to make plans around “about the 4th hour”? This is ridiculous.”

In defense, Pastor Richardson reiterates that there is nothing sacred or even scriptural about meeting at a set time. “We know Lord Jesus ascended to Heaven after His resurrection as recorded in Matthew at a time between 10 am and noon on a Sunday morning because it is very clear that the disciples worshipped Him. But nowhere in the Scripture does it say the exact time of this worship.”

In any case, those of you wishing to attend FBC Jasper this Sunday morning should be prepared to begin about the 4th hour. What should you do to pass the time? Pastor Richardson suggests, “The church does have wireless internet. So, perhaps attendees could bring their laptops to use during the wait.”

Pastor's Proposal of "7-Day Bible Reading Challenge" Met with Confusion

Kline, Texas - The members of First Baptist Church of Kline are uncertain what to think after this past Sunday's sermon. As the church's pastor Henry Waldrip addressed the congregation from the pulpit, he touched upon a subject that some say "went a little too far." Attempting to draw a contrast with a recent Dallas church's own 7-day challenge, Waldrip suggested that Christians ought to spend more time reading their Bibles. He then went on to challenge his congregation to "read their Bibles every day for a week."

"I read about this other church in Dallas doing their 7-day challenge to supposedly promote intimacy between married couples," said Waldrip. "While I'm all for deeper intimacy between a husband and a wife, but I think the root of marital problems lies not with a lack of intimacy with one another, but intimacy with God. When a husband and wife know and love God more they will love each other more. But even more so, our 7-day challenge doesn't exclude single people within our congregation. So I simply suggested my congregation read their Bibles every day for a week, apply it and see if their marriages and lives in general don't begin to naturally improve."

While many in the congregation seemed receptive to Waldrip's suggestion, many were also seemingly infuriated by the suggestion.

"I can't believe he went that far," said Patty Turnbull, a long-time member of FBC. "I just don't think Pastor Waldrip understands what I have to do every day. My schedule stays pretty full from the moment I wake up until the time I go to bed. Sure, I like to read my Bible when I can, but he can't seriously expect me to read it every day."

"Well, it certainly lacked the pizzaz of the other church's 7-day challenge," said Raymond Donaldson, another member, "I mean, when he challenged us to read our Bibles every day for a week I was like 'um...okay...whatever.' I think if he really wants to get people's attention he needs to challenge us with something a little bit more interesting."

The church's board of Deacons has called a meeting with Waldrip to address the issue this Thursday night. It remains to be seen whether or not Waldrip will continue to push his idea to the congregation.

EMTs Criticized for New Tactics

SAVANNAH, GA - Several Emergency Management Technicians (EMTs) were suspended without pay last week for new tactics that had not been approved by their supervisors. The three EMTs - two men and one woman - have appealed their suspensions and are awaiting a decision that should come as early as today.


When TBNN asked the EMT supervisory board what the problem was, the board responded in writing, saying, "The three EMTs in question are responsible, as are all EMTs, to do all they can to help the injured or ill remain alive until they arrive at the hospital. These three individuals failed to do that."

We at TBNN wanted to get both sides of the story. Two of the EMTs agreed to grant an interview.

Gary Karver (pictured above), an EMT for several years now, said, "It used to be that when we came upon a dead or dying (we often can't tell the difference at first) person, we would do all we could to resuscitate him and get him to the hospital alive. This was my goal every time. Well, that changed a few weeks ago. The reason for this is that I realized that this violated the person's free will. I mean, what if he doesn't want to be saved? It simply doesn't seem right or fair to take away his freedom like that."

Stephanie Tate, Karver's suspended partner, said, "I agree with Gary. Who are we to save people without asking them what they want? What we had been doing for the last several weeks, before the suspensions, was offering what we call PREVENIENT ASSISTANCE. When we arrived on a scene, we would offer enough help to the accident victim to bring him to the point where he could decide for himself whether or not he wanted to be saved. For example, in one case I gave a man mouth-to-mouth resuscitation but didn't stop his bleeding. He came to consciousness, but unfortunately bled out and died soon after. The point is that he decided."

Karver chimed back in, "Last week, we arrived at the scene of a minor explosion. I quickly gave a little bit of help to everyone involved. However, I refused to make the decision for them. A few died on the scene, but most survived. My supervisor said I should have done more to save them, but this just seemed to me to violate their person-hood. I couldn't do that."

We asked both EMTs if they would change back to their old practices in order to keep their jobs.

According to Tate, "This is a hill on which I have chosen, proverbially, to die. I refuse to violate anyone's free will even if it is for their good. They must choose. That is the most important thing."

Man Names, Then Claims Double Negative Proverbs 18:24

Baton Rouge, LA -- Bob Westbrook has shown himself friendly for many years. “It’s been too many years,” says Bob. “I have too many friends. I don’t want all these friends. I didn’t ask for all these friends. I don’t need all these friends.”

Bob apparently was born with the friendship trifecta. He’s good looking. He’s generally happy. And he has the #5 friendliest name—Bob, falling just after Ricky at #4. Sandy, Emily, and Barack make up the top 3.

“It’s really a curse more than a blessing,” Bob said jovially, which got a chuckle out of the TBNN crew. “I wasn’t trying to be funny,” Bob attempted to explain when the laughter died down, which lit up the crew once again.

When things calmed down, we learned that Bob plans to take a Name It and Claim It approach to Proverbs 18:24, but in the double negative. "I always heard my grandmother say, ‘If a man wants friends, he should show himself friendly,’ well that’s the trap I fell into. I started showing myself friendly at an early age. It’s a hard habit to break,” said Bob as he received several nods of compassionate understanding from the small crowd that began to gather.

Bob now hopes that by showing an attitude of unfriendliness, he can reduce the friendships. “I’m claiming Proverbs 18:24 in the double negative-- If a man doesn’t want friends, he should show himself unfriendly. Mathematically, two negatives make a positive. It just makes sense to me that if I don’t want so many friends, I can start being unfriendly.” TBNN intern Shelly thought the idea was brilliant. As she was expressing to Bob her admiration, she was interrupted by TBNN photographer Jewel who suggested we all go to Lone Star for lunch. Almost before Jewel had the idea out of her mouth, Bob was calling the local Lone Star manager and whispered “I’m buying” to the TBNN crew and the small crowd that was beginning to form around Bob.

TBNN copy editor Jim did question Bob’s translation of Proverbs 18:24, “You know Bob, some versions read ‘If a man has many friends, he may come to ruin.’" To which Bob replied, “Amen to that!" causing the crowd to erupt. "All these friends are ruining me. I’m definitely going to start showing myself unfriendly. I may even change my name to Fred."

From The Makers of UNO: I Prayed About It Cards

Have you ever been in the middle of a card game and found yourself 1 card short? Need a blue 2? A queen of hearts? A four of any suit? A wild draw 4? A Rook? Ever been told “go fish”? Ever draw the old maid?

Well, whatever your card game, if you are a Christian you are qualified to use the new I Prayed About It Cards from the makers of UNO.

I Prayed About It Cards are for use with any card game. It’s simple! At any time, in any place, during a card game of any kind, simply play an I Prayed About It Card while telling the other participants the current thoughts running through your mind.

You are a Christian, right? Well, if you are a true Christian who is currently prayed up and in the spirit, then your thoughts are coming directly from the Lord. You should feel confident to share your God-revealed thoughts with others, especially if your thoughts involve the actions or commitments of others. It’s really your duty to tell them. But rather than just using the phrase, “I prayed about it,” build your confidence by simultaneously playing an I Prayed About It Card.

In a game of Spades, for example, if you really feel like you should be playing the ace of spades, but you don’t have the actual ace of spades that came with the card deck, it’s okay. Relax. Dwell for a few minutes in the thought of what you’d like to do. Dwell on the goodness of winning the game. If this seems right to you, reach into your shirt pocket and play the I Prayed About It Card. Just say, “I prayed about it, and I’m playing this card as the ace of spades” as you play your I Prayed About It Card.

By playing an I Prayed About It Card, you have the power to ignore any rule or rules of the regular game. In fact, no one else should disrespectfully speak in dissent of your revelation. No one else should even be allowed to ask questions. Just make sure that you are fully prayed up and in the Spirit before you play the card. Remember, when you play an I Prayed About It Card, remain confident and never question yourself that your thoughts are truly direct messages and interpretations of life choices from the Lord.

Note: The cards have also been used outside of card games. For example, the cards can also be used in church meetings, especially if the answer to prayer involves the efforts and energies of others.

Have a direct message for your pastor? Walk up to him, hand him a card, and say “I prayed about it and I believe we should start [insert name of new program or ministry that has been directly revealed to you].”

So, don't forget yourself this Christmas. Place a little something in your own stocking. Get your very own I Prayed About It Cards, from the makers of UNO. Available soon in stores everywhere.

John 3:16 Conference Finally Proves that Calvinism is Unbiblical

ATLANTA, GA - The arguments have been made. The debate is finally settled. There is nothing left to discuss.

Calvinism is finished. The Doctrines of Grace have been de-bunked. Reformed theology is has once and for all time been banished to the trash bin of dead theologies.

On November 6-7, Jerry Vines ministries hosted the John 3:16 Conference. At this conference, which billed itself as "A biblical and theological assessment of and response to 5-point Calvinism," noted Southern Baptists took open shots at Calvinism.

Those in attendance were thrilled with the scholarship on display. For example, pastor Bubba Swift of Good Works Baptist Church, told TBNN, "Those speakers sure did a fine job. They just kept quotin' John 3:16 over and over again. No matter what objection was brought to them, they just kept sayin', 'Whosoever will...' It was awesome."

Pastor Wyatt Beasley said, "All I know is Jesus died for the whole world. That means everybody. When I got saved, I could just tell Jesus was cheerin' me on from heaven, just hopin' I'd give myself to Him. That's what I done."

Some of the more notable quotes to come out of the conference were the following:
"Humans are born with original sin but not original guilt."
"A move toward Calvinism is a move away from the gospel.”
"Repentance and faith precede regeneration."
"A 'hyper-Calvinist' is someone who is more Calvinistic than you are.”
"Romans 9-11 have nothing to do with eternal salvation."

The most amazing part of the conference was when one of the speakers reportedly said, "We're right. They're wrong. Who's wrong? A few guys named Augustine, Martin Luther, John Calvin, John Knox, John Owen, John Bunyan, Jonathan Edwards, George Whitefield, William Carey, Adoniram Judson, James Boyce, Arthur Pink, Martyn Lloyd-Jones, J. I. Packer, R. C. Sproul, John MacArthur, and especially John Piper."

It is worth noting that no one from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary was asked to speak at the conference.

Despite the fact that Dr. Vines said the gathering was not intended to be a "bashing Calvinism" conference, this is exactly what it turned out to be. While those who bothered to attend liked what was said, the broader spectrum of thought within the blog-world has been far less favorable. For some sane thought on this topic, click here and here.

When the conference concluded, there was much ovation and back-slapping. The speakers informed the press that now that Calvinism had been demolished for all time, they would aim their vast intellect at the most important issue facing Protestantism today: alcohol.

Reverend Wright: "I Now Struggle With Shadow Dog"

Chicago, IL -- Reverend Jeremiah Wright, once a controversial figure in the Barack Obama campaign, has apparently come out of hiding now that the election is over.

Reverend Wright, who fell out of the spotlight when Obama unequivocally denounced statements Wright made from the pulpit, is now in a new line of work. He’s given up his Sunday morning job for a different day and time—Friday night stand-up comedy.

Reverend Wright jokingly calls himself Reverend Left as part of his free gig. Though the routine is free, Wright continues to have an offertory time. “The crowd loves the way I say 'pass the plate',” said Wright.

Wright had the crowd in tears and rolling in the aisles Friday night with his latest routine of “I can’t do the shadow dog anymore” [caught in the picture above]. Wright explains how the media’s faulty descriptions of his sermons as divisive have left him with eye twitches and hand deformities. As the crowd cheered for Wright and booed the media, Wright offered proof of his hand troubles by simulating a faulty shadow dog. “My Diet Coke shot right out of my left nostril at that point,” said crowd participant Meagan Wilson. “He’s a riot!”

I Pledge Allegiance

Given the election, I guess I am reminded of the term "allegiance" this early morning. I have grown up knowing three "Pledge of Allegiances" (or probably it's Pledges of Allegiance?? ::yawn... stretch... shiver::).

In Vacation Bible School, we would pledge allegiance to (1) the Flag of the United States of America, (2) the Christian Flag, (3) and the Bible. My kids are still freely permitted to recite these today in our church's school.

Regardless of what the future holds with respect to our ability to freely speak our beliefs, there is another pledge of allegiance that hangs on my bedroom wall that I walk by every day. It is one of my most valued earthly possessions. I felt like sharing this morning. I hope you enjoy.

I pledge allegiance to my husband, my leader;

My companion, my lover, my friend.

I will do my best to be the kind of wife I believe

God wants me to be.

To be loving and generous in my affection to him.

To be faithful in what I do and think.

To be respectful and supportive in all of his work,

Duties and his high calling of leading me and being

The father of our children. To be helpful in making

Our home a loving, happy home committed to each

Other and to God.

To: My Loving Husband [Dr. Brother Slawson]

From: Your Devoted Wife [Mrs. Dr. Brother Slawson]

October 31, 2000

I thank God for all the P31 women of this world [but especially my P31 woman :)]. I believe they (or the lack of them) are and have been the most important instruments of change. I pray for positive change.

Rector Daringly Introduces Jesus to Episcopal Church

TACOMA, WA - Dr. Stephen Daniel, Rector of St. Andrew's Episcopal Church of Tacoma, recently took a daring step that has since endangered his ministry. Against the advice of several other Episcopal rectors in his state, Daniel introduced Jesus Christ to his church. The response, to say the least, caused a great uproar in the church.

According to Daniel, "Our people have responded to the message of Jesus Christ in one of two ways. Some within the church body are extremely excited because they now see how they can be saved. These folks sensed that there was more to life and church than just the typical Anglican traditions. They knew they had sinned, and are now thrilled to find out that there is actually a Savior."

Marge Street, a twenty-year member of St. Andrew's, is one of the happy ones. Marge informed TBNN, "I have been in church ever since I was a teenager, but this is the first time I have ever heard about Jesus Christ and what He did for me on the cross so many years ago. I couldn't be happier!"

Rector Daniel mentioned, however, that there are others within the congregation who aren't too happy about all this "Jesus-talk." Daniel said, "Although some have given Jesus a positive reaction, the reality is that about 60-65% of the congregation has real concerns about how bringing Jesus into the life of the church will affect St. Andrew's. I personally believe that introducing Jesus to our church programs can only benefit what we are doing. Unfortunately, many are not in agreement."

Dr. Theresa Smith-Williams-Henderson, who teaches Sunday School at the church, said, "I believe Rector Daniel has good intentions. However, he simply cannot just push forth his own agenda in the church. He needs to be more reasonable. We as a church were doing well before all this began. We were reaching out to our community here in Tacoma and to those in need in several overseas countries. We were a united body. Now we have all sorts of strife and consternation within the church. Now all we seem to be talking about is Jesus and which 'side' we are on. It is all very sad."

This week's church newsletter, The St. Andrew's News, is reporting that the church body will be having a members-only meeting this coming Thursday night to discuss the situation. A few different un-named sources have told TBNN that while some people want the rector to resign, the majority just want a censure and a promise from him to cease all this talk about Jesus.

Rector Daniel, in response to hearing about the Thursday meeting, said, "At this point I'm not sure what is going to happen or what I'm going to do. I thought talking about Jesus would be good. If I can't talk about Him, I'm not sure what there is left to say."

Lexington Man Admits Vandalizing Baptist Hymnals

Luther Martin of Walnut Mountain Baptist Church on the outskirts of Lexington, Kentucky has been released on bond after being charged with vandalizing the church’s 1975 Baptist Hymnals. He subsequently admitted his guilt to TBNN in an effort to get his story out.

Martin was seen by unidentified witnesses entering an unlocked side door of the church in the early early morning of October 31, 2008. Around dawn, Ed Caster, the Walnut Mountain Baptist Church custodian noticed something strange when he came to tidy up the sanctuary.

“I didn’t know what it was at first. I just saw this flash of difference throughout the sanctuary, and then I realized that something white had been taped to every red hymnal in the church,” said Caster.

As it turns out, Martin used Super Glue to attach his “95 Corrections” to every 1975 Baptist Hymnal in the sanctuary. “I’m heartbroken,” said Pastor Tom Presley. “Many in our congregation have worshipped these… um… worshipped with these precious hymnals for over 30 years.”

So, why would Martin commit such a dreadful act? “I stand for truth,” Martin explained. “The hymnals are filled with error. In fact, I found exactly 95 errors that do not align with scripture. I made a list of these errors, typed them out with suggested corrections, and reduced the list to the size of the hymnal cover. I’m tired of singing songs that abuse truth. I wanted to make a strong statement.”

For example, for Song 475, Victory in Jesus in the third stanza, Martin said “streets” should be corrected to “street.” “This error is particularly egregious. Revelation 21 is clear that Heaven contains only one street." Martin took correcting this error further than normal by using a black permanent Sharpie to cover up the ‘s’ in every hymnal. "I wasn’t satisfied with simply making a statement about correcting this error.”

Sample other corrections include:
(487) Since Jesus Came Into My Heart: remove entire chorus; change all “Since Jesus Came Into My Heart” statements to “Since I’m Free in Christ Jesus, My God”
(491) When We All Get to Heaven: change “pearly gates” to “pearl gates”; change “streets of gold” to “street of gold” (See also the correction to 475).
(107) There is a Fountain: change “wash all my sins away” to “wash all my sin away” because sin should not be plural in this case.

Not all things on the list are corrections per se. For example, for Song 85 “O Little Town of Bethlehem” Martin indicated “eliminate this entire song.” “Yeah, why should we worship a town? I don’t see the need,” said Martin.

Martin suggested moving the location of Song 88, “Joy to the World.” This song should be moved from the Christmas section to the Lord’s Return section, around page 129. “Why have a song about the Lord’s return in the middle of all the Christmas songs?” asked Martin.

Maybe most surprising, Martin was able to find error even in one of the very old songs: (37) A Mighty Fortress is Our God: change title and words within song to “The Mighty Fortress is God” to eliminate the possibility of other equally strong fortresses or gods.

TBNN had not yet obtained a copy of the complete 95 Corrections at the time of this article's publication.

Other Places to Read

For those of you interested, I'm going to start devoting more time to blogging about our family's adventures in Russia. You can visit our ministry website at siberiangrits.wordpress.com. Even if you don't live in Russia, have never been to Russia or even have no intensions of ever coming here, you'll perhaps find the posts informative and entertaining.

-Tom

Unitarians Make Halloween Official Church Holiday

BOSTON, MA - The Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations announced on Monday that it has decided to make Halloween an official church holiday.

According to Spokesperson Madeline Kay-Harris, "We at the UUA believe in the inherent worth and dignity of every person. Unlike most Christian denominations, when we say every, we mean every. We do not play favorites. Jesus Himself warned against favoritism in James 2:1-4, saying, 'My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality. For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, "You sit here in a good place," and say to the poor man, "You stand there," or, "Sit here at my footstool," have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?'"

Because of this philosophy, the UUA has decided to embrace Halloween in the hopes of attracting those from the ghoul-goblin crowd. UUA youth pastor Greg Jeffress told TBNN, "Jesus Himself, who we do not follow, clearly said to go into the world and preach the gospel to ALL creation. We want to do this. We want to welcome into our congregations those who have been shunned by other churches. Who are we to tell them to change?"

Some within the UUA have spoken anonymously about the need to be careful about embracing this new demographic. A pastor of a UUA congregation near Worchester, MA, secretly told us, "We want to be open to Satan-worshipers and the like, but we are somewhat intimidated. It is important for us to be tolerant of the blood, gore, knives, and dead puppies. However, we are concerned that some of the more intolerant among us will get scared and not attend our meetings."

Because of these concerns, the UUA is meeting in Boston next week to discuss how its congregations can both welcome, for example, wearwolves and vampires and also keep its people safe.

According to Kay-Harris, "We must find a balance between sorcery and safety, between beheadings and being safe, between sacrifices and serenity. This is our goal. We are embracing Halloween. We are just going to have to learn how to deal with these changes."

John "Rudolph" Piper Encourages Us To Lead the Lord's Sleigh This Christmas

Minneapolis, MN -- Equipped with only a red ball for a nose and his fingers for antlers, John “Rudolph” Piper recently previewed this year’s Christmas theme for Bethlehem Baptist Church: “Don’t Waste Your Flight.” In the announcement, Piper outlines three reasons that our flight should be a type of Rudolph flight.

What “Rudolph” Attitude Should We Take As We Fly Through Life?

1. Our love for the Lord Jesus needs to be plain and visible for all to see as we soar through this world. My first prayer for you is that you will all be more like Rudolph. Get out front! Ask to be out front! Put a big bright red light on that beautiful glorious unique nose that belongs just to you on your very face and take it… take it with you… let it shine… let it shine for all to see. Let all the misfits know that Jesus is coming again. Let all the misfits know that He is Lord.

2. Oh, how our love for the Lord Jesus needs to shine through the foggy nights. Through the years, you will face more and more foggy nights. At least you will feel that they are foggy. You must shine! DO NOT COVER YOUR NOSE! DO NOT waste your flight. Let everyone see it! Don’t just take the stance that you will not cover up your nose… take the stance that you will show it off!

3. Our love for the Lord Jesus must extend even to those who would seem abominable. There are many out there who would seem abominable. But they are not that scary once you pull their teeth out. I’d even say that we don’t really need to pull the teeth out of the abominable ones. Most of the abominable are really toothless anyway. They have no bite to begin with.

So let the glory of Christ shine through you, and thousands will see and put their trust in the Lord. Live your life as if you are soaring through the foggy nights, unafraid, unwasted, gladly displaying the glory of Christ.

Missing in Action

Well, by now (if you're still even reading this blog) you're probably beginning to wonder where I (Tom) have been. It's now been several weeks since I've posted. On several occasions I've said to myself "I need to post something today," only to let the day slip away and not post anything.

To be honest I've been giving this blog a lot of thought lately. When I started here I was filled with ideas and eager to get them out. I lived in America and was daily amused and disgusted by things such as the shallowness of much of Evangelicalism, the liberalness of mainline Protestantism, and the ridiculousness of everything in between. I needed an outlet for my thoughts, and since I'm not much of a sit-down-and-write-a-treatise kind of guy, I found satire, humor and parody worked well for me. At that time ideas came easily. All I had to do was turn on the television, read the paper or simply draw from my own personal experience.

But things change. I must admit that for the past few months I've found blogging here to be more tedious than enjoyable. While many many things still strike me as funny, and while I still have regular ideas for stories, on the whole my interests in writing here have waned. One of the main reasons for this, I believe, is that for almost the last 1 1/2 years now I have not lived in the United States. For those of you who don't know, my family and I live in St. Petersburg, Russia. I'm now outside of the circle of events going on in religious America, and thus my ability to address various fads and trends that happen there is significantly diminished. At the same time, my attention has turned to dealing with living in a foreign culture, learning a foreign language and trying to guide my family through the whole process. Oh how easy it would be for me right now to write satirical articles each day about the goings on in Russia, but I fear they would only be enjoyed by English-speaking foreigners who have lived and worked in Russia over the past 10 years while trying to learn the language, which, as you can imagine, severely limits my audience. Let's be fair, not many of you, even if you did find them mildly amusing, would get the full impact of stories like "Medvedev Promises to Reduce Loogies by 20% Next Year" or "Foreigner Unable to Figure out Verbs of Motion; Decides Never to Leave Home." See...I told you.

In addition to this there is also the issue of my priorities. Right now this blog has fallen way down on the list of things that are important. With both me and my wife studying Russian intensely, a young son who needs love, discipline, physical therapy and other special care each day, helping to coordinate Russian pastor's conferences, a large Bible distribution project and preaching here and there, I have found little to no energy left to devote to blogging here.

So what does this all mean practically. The end of TBNN? Well, no, not necessarily. Don't worry, I'm not about to delete the blog, nor am I about to shut it down. What it does mean though is that I'm going on hiatus and for exactly how long I can't say. It is my hope that Elder Eric and Brother Slawson will continue regularly posting on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I also have some prospects for other regular contributers who I hope will pick up some of the days here. And no doubt you will probably see me popping in from time to time. But for now I'm moving out of the blogosphere. It's been fun, and I hope to perhaps move back in again sometime in the near future.

-Tom

Speaking in Tongues Impaired by Piercing

BRIDGEPORT, CT - The folks at Rushing Wind Emerging Fellowship are struggling with an unanticipated problem.

Some background information may help with understanding just what the issues are. Two years ago, Cade Wilson and Hunter Howard met at a coffee shop in downtown Bridgeport. At the time, Cade was the youth pastor at Dove Tabernacle, a Charismatic church just outside Bridgeport. Hunter, meanwhile, was also serving as a youth pastor - at Grace (Emerging) Church in New Haven.

At the time they met, both young men were struggling. Because they were in their early twenties, neither of them could effect much change in their respective congregations. Cade desired that his church change both its worship style and message in order to be more authentic and relevant. Hunter was frustrated because he wanted his church to much more openly embrace the gifts of the spirit, in particular speaking in tongues. Since neither man could make these changes occur, they decided to leave their churches and plant Rushing Wind Emerging Fellowship.

From the beginning, the purpose of Rushing Wind was to be relevant to the community, authentic in worship, and to encourage all spiritual gifts. Speaking in tongues would be strongly promoted.

Things had been going well up until just a few weeks ago. That's when Rushing Wind ran into its first significant problem. Because of its unique character, the church has grown quickly, attracting hundreds of high school and college age students from Bridgeport and beyond. This demographic lends itself to all kinds of expression, including various hair colors, tattoos of all sorts, and body piercings.

In the beginning, Cade and Hunter encouraged the body piercings, especially when the young people would pierce their hands and wrists to remind them of what Christ did for them on the cross. Soon after this, other piercings began to appear - including piercings of the tongue. That's when things went bad for Rushing Wind.

The pastors soon realized that tongue piercings and speaking in tongues do not mix. According to Pastor Cade, "The bible tells us that if there is speaking in tongues, there must also be interpretation. Our problem is that no one can understand the people who want to speak in tongues with pierced tongues. We have been discouraging this practice, but there are some among us who persist nonetheless."

Pastor Hunter told TBNN, "Last week we actually had to bring church discipline against a 17-year-old lady who kept speaking in tongues. Absolutely no one could comprehend what she was saying. No one could therefore interpret for her. When we brought the charges against her, she tried to respond, but we couldn't even understand that. It was a mess."

The pastors are depressed at this point because several young people have left the church since the disciplinary hearing. Several more are expected to leave. One entire small group has informed the pastors that they will be departing to plant their own church - one that is more relevant and understanding.

According to Pastor Cade, "We just wanted to be biblical. When you take a stand for scripture, some people won't like it."

Bentley Returns To "Probationary Podium"

Lakeland, FL -- The Fresh Fire Ministries Board of Directors broke its 2-month silence Friday regarding Todd Bentley's seclusion. This news comes just 3 days after the official end of the "Lakeland Outpouring" revival that began on April 2, 2008.

Back on August 15, 2008, the Board announced that Bentley would "refrain from all public ministry for a season to receive counsel in his personal life." Apparently, the season of privacy took 2 months and is now over. "Todd plans to revive revival. I guess you could call it a rerevival," said a board member who wished to remain anonymous. "But there is a catch. Todd has promised to use more faith and less foot this time around."

A TBNN operative working within the Fresh Fire organization was able to obtain the photo (above) of Bentley practicing from his specially engineered probationary podium. The probationary podium permits Bentley to return to a public forum without the Fresh Fire Board having to worry about Bentley engaging in inappropriate contact with donors, staff, or interns.

The probationary podium is a small cage-like platform which will allow Bentley to freely raise his arms, but not his legs. It comes equipped with boots bolted to the platform. Once Bentley steps into the boots and ties them, his feet cannot move. Apparently, the Fresh Fire Board has also asked Bentley to wear a yellow vest as a type of "fair warning" to rerevival participants. Much like the warning label on a carton of cigarettes?

Invitation Time: Make A Decision For The Church Today

Rosewood, TX -- “I’d like to ask our musicians to come forward for the invitation time,” said Pastor Robert Spain as he stepped down from the stage’s podium toward the end of the aisle. “Now is the time for decisions. The Lord may be dealing with you… yes… you,” he so eloquently ponders.

Like most churches on Sunday morning, Delilah Baptist Church in Rosewood, Texas has an official Invitation Time on the program. It has been a tradition for the last 45 years. On any given Sunday, around 10 people are moved to walk the aisle and make a decision for the church. Not bad for a church with an average attendance of 75.

“Everyone take a decision card from the bulletin,” Pastor Spain always begins. “We want to encourage you-- don't hesitate. Heed the invitation now. Feel free to bring your unfilled card. You can fill it out later. I and the deacons are awaiting your decisions. Just as you are, come now.” That is the pianist’s signal to begin playing Just As I Am.

The decision card this week contains invites for sanctuary cleaning, lawn mowing, cantata planning, Sunday School teaching, and Fall Festival decorating. Two men come forward even before the first official invitation. This will be a good day.

“We have decided to start having a regular sanctuary cleaning night on Tuesdays from seven to eight. Please place a checkmark in the appropriate box and be sure to check the preferred dates if you are able to help. We need your help.”

Just As I Am continues to play as Pastor Spain watches the crowd. “I can feel a real movement here. Folks are being dealt with as we sing. Don’t stay in your seat any longer. Make a decision for the church.”

“Today, we want to invite you to volunteer to help with Sunday School teaching. Won’t you come? You don’t need any special talents. We’ll train you. Please help us out.”

Four people step out into the aisle and make their way toward the pastor.

“Can you cut grass? We need your help. I want to invite you to serve the Lord in this way. Make a decision today. Won’t you? Can you bring a can of gas? Can you sweep sidewalks? Any help would be appreciated.”

Three young boys stop texting, drop their phones on the pew, and step out into the aisle. A father says, “Amen.” A mother begins to weep.

“Can you sing? Do you like Christmas? There’s a spot this week for signing up to help with the Christmas Cantata. I want to invite you to help. The deacons are waiting. I’m waiting. Let the pot roast burn for all I care, we need to get the Lord’s business taken care of right now. Won’t you come? If you’ll just walk this aisle and shake my hand or the hand of a deacon, we’ll find a place for you.”

A small crowd of 7 women slowly forms on the left side of the stage.

After things quite down and cards have been filled out and placed in Pastor Spain’s bible, he concludes by reminding everyone, “You’re also invited to the fellowship lunch. If you’d like to stay afterward and help clean up, just let me know. I’m sure we can find something for you to do.”

Government Asks Lakewood for Bailout Help

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week the federal government voted to bailout the credit mess in the United States. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. This week, however, things look different.

The reason for the problem is simple. Not only is the United States deep in debt, but the federal government itself has access to far less than the $700 billion it has promised. In fact, right now the feds only have $35.75 in the bank.

Because of that, the U.S. House of Representatives, led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, has asked for help in bailing out the faltering economy. TBNN has learned that on Sunday Pelosi asked the wealthiest organization in America to help. Rather than call on Microsoft, which ranks second, Pelosi called Lakewood Church, the wealthiest non-governmental organization in the United States.

Pastor Joel Osteen admitted to being somewhat surprised by the phone call. "I always preach that if you believe in God, He will show you favor. That is what He has done for us. But I never thought we would have the opportunity to help our country like this. For many churches, $700 billion might seem like a lot of money, but for us it's not that big of a deal. In fact, that's about half of what my Christmas bonus will be this year."

According to tax records, Lakewood Church's net worth stands between 2.2 and 2.3 trillion dollars. Some of that money comes directly from tithes and offerings, but most of it is revenue from Pastor Osteen's popular books: Your Best Life Now and Become a Better You.

Osteen admitted to TBNN, "Ever since we stopped using the bible at Lakewood, our congregation has quadrupled in size. Instead of looking into the scriptures, which can be so easily misinterpreted, we simply use my books. Since everyone in our church is required to buy them, that brings in a lot of money. Also, because many churches want to get big like us, they are copying what we do - even purchasing my books."

Osteen added that Lakewood was happy to help out the government just as long as Speaker Pelosi held up her end of the bargain: the feds will repay the $700 billion at a 13% interest rate.

Said Osteen, "With all that interest money piling in, we'll be able to buy another big building - maybe the Astrodome. I hear it's vacant."

We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday

A Book Review-- Okay. So you missed church last Sunday? Now you’d like to return and worship the Lord, but you know you are going to have to explain to at least 3-9 folks why you were not in church last week. You pull into the parking lot. You park. You take a deep breath. You open the car door.

There she is… Mrs. Arnder. She approaches you and says “We missed you last Sunday.” Of course, you can tell by the inflection and questioning in her voice that she really is saying, “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod. What can you do?

Then he approaches… Mr. Davis. He asks, “Have you been okay?” Of course, you can tell by the timing and non-concern in his voice that he is really saying “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod again. What can you do?

If this happens to you often and you wish you had something to say in response, you need We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday. It gives you in depth details of how to answer those "Where were you?" questions that have been masked with stealth questions from hypocritical Christians. If you are a sincere Christian who wants to do the right thing, We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday encourages you to always assume those asking the questions are Christians. The book encourages you to consider that the questioner maybe sincerely concerned.

Using Christianity as a premise, how could you have acted differently? We Missed You gives you a plan of action. For example, here is an excerpt from Chapter 1: “We missed you last Sunday”...

• When asked this surface question, start out by looking the individual in the eye in a real sincere, heartfelt, understanding way. Consider that this individual is honestly telling you that you were missed. This should not cause you to begin spewing forth all sorts of excuses about why were you out. Instead, such a statement, if taken to heart, should cause you to feel great joy that someone has missed you. If someone missed you, your first thoughts should be “Awwwww, you missed me? You missed little ole me? Me? You truly missed me?” Well, if you are able to bring yourself to the point to think such questions, the next step is to go ahead and ask these questions out loud. Make sure to use an appreciative, humbled, and honored voice. But don’t stop there. Let the feeling of being missed overtake you. Meditate in the thought that you were missed. You were not there last Sunday. You are here now. Once you become overwhelmed in this emotional thought, add your physical self to the mix and wrap yourself around the questioner who missed you. Do not let the questioner go until she knows that you are really truly here right now. Take your arms and fasten them around this kind human who has expressed sorrow at the memory of not having been in your presence last week. It is your duty to give her the comfort and assurance that she will not have to suffer the coming week with the thought of having missed you this Sunday. Make sure she truly remembers that she was able to encounter you today. Do so by not stopping at a simple hug. Take the hug to a full 7 second squeeze. Add words. As you count in your mind toward seven (ever mindful that this very person missed you last week) around second #3, I suggest that you give a very loud, very sincere, very heartfelt, “I missed you too. How sweet of you to say!” Really let the emotion come out in your voice. Do not rush the statement. The person must remember every word. The hug, together with the words, will most likely resound in the questioner for at least the rest of the week. After the 7 second hug, just watch the reaction. You take it from there.
• Note: try to remember if the person used the precise words “We missed you” and not the personal “I missed you.” If "we" was used, now is the appropriate time to ask who the others were that missed you so you can reassure them also.

Chapter 2: "Have You Been OK?" gives you "recollection pointers" to enable you to comfortably discuss the details of your entire week non-stop for 10 minutes. With the "recollection pointers" of We Missed You, you may be surprised how the the minutia of your life will continually flow off of your tongue effortlessly. By simultaneously thinking, speaking, as well as gesturing in symphonic cohesion, the concerned questioner will have an overwhelming sense that you are, indeed, okay. He may even have peace of mind about your okay-ness for weeks to come.

We Missed You contains 26 potential scenarios to enable you to skip every other Sunday with the confidence that, in no time, your skipping will never be brought into question (at least not to your face.)

Paraplegic Frustrated over Inability to be Saved

FORT WORTH, TX - Nick Woodlawn was a proud atheist until four months ago when a close friend, who is a Christian, asked him to read Tim Keller's The Reason For God.  After reading the book, Woodlawn began to question  his own beliefs and assumptions about the meaninglessness of life, the relativism of morality, and the value of chasing after the pleasure of the moment.  

After a few weeks of pondering whether or not God exists, Woodlawn decided to "try out church."  He decided to attend one Sunday with his friend at Corinth Baptist Church just outside Fort Worth.  Since Woodlawn had very low expectations, he was pleasantly surprised by the warmth of the people, the quality of the music, and the power of the preaching.  Woodlawn later told TBNN, "Pastor Frank Volk preaches through scripture verse-by-verse.  That really spoke to me because I could tell that he didn't have an agenda.  He just tells it like it is."

Woodlawn was also pleased by the sensitivity of Corinth Baptist.  They have installed a wheelchair ramp at the entrance to church facility.  Since Woodlawn is a paraplegic, the ramp helped a great deal.

After about two months of attending church with his friend, Woodlawn was seriously considering giving his life over to God.  By that time, he had heard Pastor Volk explain the need to repent and believe in order to be saved.  On this particular Sunday, Woodlawn was ready to surrender.  After a powerful sermon on Romans 10:9-10, Woodlawn wanted to finally become a follower of Jesus Christ.

That's when the unthinkable happened.  Pastor Volk concluded the sermon by saying, "If you want to know Jesus, just walk the aisle.  If you want to finally give your life over to Christ, simply walk down here and see me.  If you finally want to stop running from God, then just run up here.  If you want peace and the promise of everlasting life, simply step out of your seat and walk right here."

Woodlawn was simultaneously stunned, offended, saddened, and outraged.  Sitting toward the back of the church in his wheelchair, Woodlawn stayed where he was.  How could he possibly "walk the aisle" when he couldn't walk at all?

These days Woodlawn hardly sees his friend.  While his friend still attends Corinth Baptist, Woodlawn mainly stays at home playing on his Xbox 360.  When asked about church, Woodlawn told us, "For a while there, I felt like I belonged.  However, after the pastor said what he said, I realized that they are just a bunch of insensitive hypocrites.  I thought the gospel was a message of grace.  Then the pastor added a work: being able to walk the aisle.  I don't need that.  Instead of Tim Keller, I've started reading Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens.  No more church for me."

Rodgers May Be Removed Over Pro-Choice Issues

Albany, Texas-- The Albany Gazette is reporting that Jim Rodgers may be publicly removed from the pulpit of First Baptist Church Albany as early as this Sunday. An unnamed source within FBC Albany reported on condition of anonymity that a majority of deacons within FBC Albany have substantial evidence that Pastor Rodgers may no longer be pro-choice.

Suspicions have arisen over the last month for a number of reasons. “We can't give details now, but evidence involves websites, books, sermons, conversations, and even actions. We never saw this coming,” said another inside source.

Jim Rodger’s resume was a perfect match for First Baptist Church Albany earlier this year. Both he and his wife, Sharon, had attended Bob Jones University. Sharon home-schooled their three kids using materials exclusively from Pensacola Christian College. During his sermon in view of a call, Rodgers announced from the pulpit (on the first Sunday in March of 2008) that he felt a calling to FBC Albany. During a special called meeting the next Sunday evening, Jim Rodgers was elected Senior Pastor.

Most importantly, Rodgers was pro-choice. When asked whether or not he was “one of those Calvinists,” Rodgers answered appropriately, “It’s the individual who chooses God.” Even during more difficult questioning during deacon board interviews, when asked about the term “election” in the Bible, Rodgers stated accurately, “Individuals are elected based on God’s foreknowledge of their faith choices.”

Stay tuned to TBNN for the latest on whether Pastor Rodgers has changed his pro-choice stance.