Dymo LabelWriter 400 Prevalent at SBC 2009

Louisville, KY -- "Capable of producing over 40 label styles and sizes, the LabelWriter 400 is the small, fast and functional label printer for everyday use," touts the DYMO website.

Well, it apparently can also withstand the pressures of constant convention use. These handy labelers could be seen everywhere at the SBC Convention this week.

"You just can't tell by their look who anyone is any more," said Al Duncer, a 65 year member of a SBC church outside of Little Rock.

In a crowd of nearly 9,000 messengers of all shapes and sizes, it has become almost impossible to distinguish theological stances simply by appearance. Some theological conservatives do wear jeans and have hair covering the ears, while some liberals have perfectly parted hair with spit-shined shoes and a tie tack.

So, how did the Dymo LabelWriter 400 help?

Approximately 50 self-serve Dymo LabelWriter stations were available at strategic points around the halls of the convention center and in the main assembly area. For the perfect cost of $0.00, at any time, anyone could walk up to a station, print out a label, peel off the backing, and stick the label on his own shirt, coat, forehead, arm, etc.

Apparently, for the same cost, and apparently at any time, anyone could print out a label with the words of his choosing and stick it on the back of another individual.

"Those labels sure were helpful," said Duncer. "I really didn't know what 'reformed' meant. It was helpful to see the signs 'depraved,' 'heretic,' and 'alcoholic' on the backs of people to clarify."

The variety of labels seemed limitless, but the number one label was obviously "Calvinist" seen both on the front as well as the back of clothing. Some were written in smaller letters on small labels, while one "C" "A" "L" "V" "I" "N" "I" "S" "T" was spotted wrapped around the head of a young man who used nine 2" wide labels, each with one letter.

Some labels referenced living preachers, such as: Duncanite, Mohlerist, Deverene, and Driscollian. Others, that may have been slapped on the back of people while they were quietly minding their own business included: Moralist, Universalist, Atheist, Bar-Hopper, and Hyper-Piper.

In an email response to TBNN, a Dymo executive said they were willing to provide the LabelWriter 400s to the SBC in hopes that delegates would bring the idea back to their home churches. "From now until July 31, 2009, all SBC churches will receive 20% off."

ESV-Kindle-Only Churches Growing Fast

A new technological trend is sweeping across vast sections of our country. In particular, this trend can be found in the emerging/emergent church movement. TBNN has discovered that a growing number of these churches have taken a dogmatic stance on the scriptures. They claim to be ESV-Kindle-Only (EKO).

Christ the Redeemer Community Fellowship is currently the fastest growing church in the greater Phoenix, AZ area. It is also unashamedly ESV-Kindle-Only (EKO). David Hopper, lead pastor at Christ the Redeemer, told us, "When we began our church, our people were using all kinds of bibles. It was crazy. We couldn't even follow along when someone else was reading. That's when we decided to go ESV-only. We strongly believe the ESV is the actual word of God, free from any error. All other versions have problems because they have been corrupted."

Gene Carmer, pastor of small groups at Christ the Redeemer, told us, "We used the regular ESV for a while, but it was just taking too long for our people to find bible passages. It required them to know where the different books of the bible are located, etc. Additionally, regular book bibles are really bulky and a pain to carry around. That's when we decided to give Kindle a try. What happened was amazing! Our people were no longer stressed about how to find their way around the bible. They had full electronic access at their finger tips. This is clearly a far better option that the book version of the ESV. The Kindle is also far lighter, especially when compared to the ESV Study Bible."

While many people are happy with this situation (as shown by Christ the Redeemer's 350% growth rate over the past two years), not everyone is thrilled. Frank Jacobs loves his church, but does not like the Kindle. According to Frank, "I'm just not that technologically oriented. I like to bring my ESV book bible with me to church. Ever since the church went EKO, I have been getting stares and rude comments from people. Some church members who I thought were my friends now walk the other way when they see me. Last week was the worst when one young lady pointed at my (non-Kindle) bible and yelled, 'Why do you carry that counterfeit version? It was made by the Devil and belongs in Hell!' I was shocked and didn't know what to say. Now I'm hearing through the grapevine that the pastors are considering bringing church discipline against me and possibly denying me the Lord's Supper."

When we asked about Mr. Jacobs' situation, Pastor Hopper replied, "We in the emerging/emergent movement have been criticized for not saying what we really believe and for not taking a stand on important issues. Well, this is an important issue to us. We strongly believe that the ancient manuscript evidence shows that not only is the ESV the only valid bible version, but that the ESV-Kindle is what Paul would have wanted us to use. We will accept the persecution that comes with being ESV-Kindle-Only. We will not give in on this issue."

Entire Basketball Team Voted "Most Humble"

Lancaster, PA -- The Calvary Saintly Scholars, a private Christian high school in Lancaster, PA, recently held their sports banquet to honor those students who excelled in athletics during the past year.

Top individual honors went to Eric Jubans, the senior wide receiver who has committed to LSU for his freshman year of college, who was recognized as the football team's MVP. Jubans scored a school record 22 touchdowns during his senior year and a whopping 59 touchdowns during his five years at Calvary, also a school record.

Other notable awards during the evening were received by Trisha Mildridge, for her top district performances in the 100 meter hurdles and the final leg of the 1500 meter relay and Sven Loudskridgt for his unique techniques in the shot put and javelin that earned him all-state honors.

Amidst the individual recognition, the bulk of the evening was devoted to the basketball team. A most curious award was presented to the entire men's basketball team, and received on their behalf by coach Jasper Clement.

The award? ..."Most Humble"

In a PowerPoint presentation of the team statistics provided by Coach Clement, the first slide highlighted playing time. All 14 team members recorded staggeringly similar playing times, ranging from 11:23 per game to 11:26 per game over the entire season. The title of the first slide was "We All Work Equally Hard." As Coach Clement read the slide, the banquet crowd erupted with applause and continued with a full 1-minute standing ovation for the way the coach had allowed all players to play every game.

The second PowerPoint slide stressed the importance of "Ball Time." Ball Time summarized the amount of time that a particular player had possession of the ball, whether holding or bouncing. The Ball Time per game varied a little more, but was still amazingly close, ranging from 1:10 to 1:40 per game for the entire group of 14 players. The banquet crowd once again stood and applauded the effort of the coach and the team.

The third and final slide demonstrated exactly why the entire team had received the Most Humble award for the 2008-2009 season. The title of the slide was "Scoring." The names of all 14 players were listed on the slide in alphabetical order. Beside each name appeared the phrase: "Points Scored: Zero"

During the full season, despite the approximately equal play time and the well-distributed ball time, not a single person on the team ever scored a single point. In fact, Coach Clement was proud to say, "Not a single player ever became arrogant enough to attempt a shot." At this point the crowd once again erupted in applause, but this time for a full 2 minute standing ovation.

Even near the end of the game, when free throws were mandatory after fouls, all Calvary Saintly Scholars humbly passed the ball to an opposing player rather than attempting to shoot.

Coach Clement concluded, "I am so proud of our team for their teamwork. I am so proud of their continuous consideration of others and willingness to pass the ball. I am not concerned that we did not win any games, because we do not want to create arrogant winners. I'm proud of these guys for coming out each and every game with a humble spirit and eagerness to pass the ball. On behalf of the team, I am proud to receive this Most Humble award."

Obama Proposes Government-Funded Salvation

WASHINGTON, D.C. -As part of a far-reaching restructuring of the United States of America, President Obama announced on Sunday that he is proposing government-funded salvation.

According to the president, "It just isn't right that some people are going to be saved while others aren't. We as a free society have the moral responsibility to see that all people have access to life after death. We, of course, will not force salvation upon anyone. We simply want to make it available to all people."

After pausing for applause, the president continued, "Some folks will be scared by this plan. They will think we are trying to take away the salvation they already have. I can honestly tell them that we have no desire to do that. We simply want to make eternal life readily accessible to all people regardless of belief, lifestyle choice, or background."

Obama went on, "Many will ask how we as a government plan to do this. It is a simple matter of restructuring, downsizing, and limiting waste. First, all churches will register with the government. Second, every American citizen (and undocumented worker) will be notified of three churches that are within driving distance of their residence. Third, and finally, churches will be required to accept and offer salvation to all who enter. No one will be denied salvation."

In conclusion, President Obama said, "We as a nation must take back the moral high ground. How can we take a stand for human rights and at the same time deny salvation to anyone? We must recognize that being saved is a fundamental right that is both implied and promised by the constitution of this great nation. Just as slaves were finally given freedom in the 1860's, today we are granting both spiritual freedom and salvation to all Americans and others. Regardless of what you believe or how you live, salvation will be yours free of charge."

Born in an Armenian Body John Knew Early That He Was a Calvinist

John William Henry was always good-looking. His teeth never needed braces. His hair never thinned. He had a symmetrical jaw, a pleasant smile, white teeth, broad shoulders, and a trim waste. But he had a secret. He sometimes, in secret prayer, acknowledged God as sovereign over all things.

"I really wanted to be a Calvinist so bad, and that was one way for me to satisfy those feelings," Henry said. "But I always felt like someone was looking over my shoulder."

The desire to be a Calvinist never went away. At age 27, Henry confessed those feelings to his pastor and started seeing a Christian phychologist who suggested Henry was Armenian to Calvinist transreligious. Through constructive surgeries, reverse electrolysis, simulated scar technology, smoking lessons, and an unhealthy diet, John the Armenian became known as John the Calvinist.

While still relatively rare, one advocate estimates that 0.25 to 0.5 percent of all Calvinists are considered "handsome" or "pretty". The idea of changing physical appearance to be accepted by Calvinists has become more widespread in recent years.

Many people who have transitioned, including Henry, say they knew they had been born into the wrong body from childhood. As early as age 3, Henry, born into a good-looking Armenian family, didn't understand why his father wanted him to ignore certain passages in the Bible. As an Armenian, Henry learned at least 3 versions of the sinner's prayer, wrote his second birth date in his Bible, created Popsicle stick figures of all 12 disciples, and weekly wrote cards to missionaries. But he secretly enjoyed praying each morning on his knees, reading the Bible, and discussing Bible truths with his grandfather.

"Now I get up every morning and say, 'Wow, I can actually look at myself in the mirror,' because I've never been able to do that in my life, because that handsome figure that would stare back at me was not me," Henry said.

Doctors speculate that there is a biological foundation to religious identity, but no one has determined what in the biological makeup determines that religion.

"For people who want an Armenian to Calvinist change on a biological level, the first step is to spend more time on the spiritual aspects of the body than the physical," says Altus Nethammer, a personal trainer with Bodies4Life.

It is rare for people to undergo an Armenian to Calvinist transreligious change and then want to reverse it, especially when substantial changes have been made to diet and exercise routines, experts say.

Some transreligious individuals do face some quandaries. Some churches do not simply look at physical appearances for membership and require people to voice and demonstrate proof of their theological beliefs before becoming members.

Henry has experienced some dismay from others around him. Henry said his mother took five years to adjust. One of his brothers still doesn't speak to him. "For the longest time, I really felt like I had a mental illness, but I don't feel that way anymore," Henry said.

Couple Divorces To Fulfill Lord's Will

Pell City, Mississippi --William and Mary Jackson's marriage lasted for 25 years. It began on June 5, 1984 at First Baptist Church Pell City and ended on June 5, 2009 at a Pell City Notary Office.

Their marriage started out rough. "The first six or seven years were difficult," said Mary. "We were in our early 20's. We were traditional in our ways and had not lived together prior to the marriage. The transition wasn't easy. We both had a lot of unfulfilled expectations."

In the late 1980's they began attending church for friendships, but found something much different. "As I began reading and studying the Bible, I was continually struggling with the way this ancient book was pin-pointing my problem areas," said William. "There was no doubt that I was falling way short of perfection in every area of my life. I was distressed and equated my imperfections with displeasing to God. I had a great burden over this idea. I tried to ignore these deep down feelings of lostness. I tried to distract myself with entertainment and intellectual pursuits. But I could not escape the fact that, one day, death would come, and I would not be able to face God."

"A similar experience happened to me," said Mary. "I'm not a genius, but it did not take me long to figure out that this Bible talked about purpose and meaning that I did not have. I cried out to God to give me help. As I read and studied the Bible, I cried out to God to give me peace from my pain. I needed a rescuer. I found that rescuer in the person of the Lord Jesus Christ."

"It was so simple," said William. "Jesus is the Christ predicted for centuries. The sacrificial system of the Old Testament pointed to a lamb that would die for sins. Christ was brutally crucified during the very time of the Jewish celebration of the Passover when spotless lambs were slaughtered for protection from God's holy judgement of sin. I see now that the Lord Jesus was my substitute. He is the spotless lamb who died for my sins so that I can live."

Even though William and Mary had trusted the Lord with their lives, there were problems. Each day brought new challenges and struggles. But they made a commitment to each other. They renewed their wedding vows, and promised each other that they would stick together. They pledged to strive to be a support for each other under the guidance of the Holy Spirit no matter how difficult things got in their lives. They were committed to reading the Bible and praying together daily. They began every day early with a Bible passage and prayer and coffee. Each day, they asked God for guidance and blessings.

As the years passed, they stressed over the pains of raising children and working and making ends meet financially. They always spent too much at Christmas. They usually went too far with spending at birthdays and vacations. They often argued over little things. With young kids in the car, they sometimes screamed at the cars in front of them to speed up to go through yellow lights so they wouldn't be late for the T-ball game or dance recital. Their married days were filled with tears and joy.

But despite their continual, daily failing to be perfect, they found joy in the Lord as they repented for their sins of the day, thanked God that they were not condemned because of the work of Christ alone, held each other, and woke the next morning seeking the Lord's will for their lives.

Through it all, they attempted each morning to awake, open God's Word, and pray together to the Lord asking for His leading by the Holy Spirit. They humbled themselves before the Lord each morning and thanked the Lord that He, and He alone, is everything and deserves all glory.

Despite the pains and troubles of the week, they took the family to met with fellow believers each Sunday morning for Bible study and a worship service. As they sat together in the pew of the church building, they held hands and prayed, bowing to God to give them strength in all things.

"William has so many faults," said Mary. "I know I have many also. But we always had the belief that as we bowed low to the Lord each day together, we could then hold our head's high because of God's grace and mercy."

However, after 25 years of marriage, William and Mary awoke on June 5, 2009 for their normal prayer time. They both had the feeling that they were being led to get a divorce. They visited a Pell City notary and signed the papers that afternoon.

Dysfunctional Church Agrees on Ushers Wearing Suit Coats

MACON, GA - The First Baptist Church of Macon has a long history of being dysfunctional. In the church's 177 year history, there have been 27 church splits, 98 pastors (83 of whom were fired or resigned), and 7 discontinued building projects. Throughout the city of Macon, FBC-Macon has a reputation as a place of strife and discord.

The deacon board of FBC wanted to do something to change this (the church is currently without a pastor, having forced the latest pastor to resign in February when word was leaked that he is not an Atlanta Braves fan). The board, therefore, held a meeting of all 66 active deacons on May 25th. The goal was to come together as a church in a tangible way to show the church family and community that FBC-Macon is not, in fact, dysfunctional.

For the first hour or so, several of the deacons suggested that the church reach out to Macon in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, the board could not agree on what to do or how to do it. For the second hour, the board attempted to come up with some way to help folks within the church. No agreement could be found. During the third hour of the board meeting, the 66 men tried to come together on some way to refurbish the church buildings. No agreement came - just frustration and a little yelling.

Finally, after much work and discussion, all 66 men found something they could agree upon. This will be a sign to the church and community beyond that FBC-Macon is a united church. The deacons agreed that all ushers must wear suit coats during the morning worship services. During the evening services, either a suit coat OR a tie is required, but not both.

FBC Deacon Chairman Phil Simmons said of the outcome, "We are thrilled about this decision. We are certain that it will help us fulfill the Great Commission!"

There was much rejoicing.