Belated Christmas Gift for Our Arminian Readers

Just in time for the New Year Celebration, TBNN wants to offer a belated Christmas gift to all of our Arminian readers. The gift (pictured above) is a large pair of scissors. These scissors will allow you, of your own free will of course, to cut out any parts of scripture that you do not like. For example, you may need to begin by slicing through John 6, John 10, Romans 8-11, and Ephesians 1-2.

We hope you find this gift helpful as you try to keep your theology consistent.

Happy New Year!

Grace Assembly Members Read Through The Bible

Germantown, TN-- Twenty three members of the Grace Assembly congregation, comprising about 40% of Sunday morning attendees, plan to complete the Bible by Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at midnight. Their journey began back on January 1, 2008 when 25 members agreed to undertake the Read Through the Bible program established by Pastor Johnson.

In a formal dedication ceremony, all 25 members were given a gift certificate to Lifeway for $50 toward the purchase of a new Bible of their choice. Each member was also given a 1-Year Bible Plan which detailed the amount of reading that needed to be performed each day in order to complete the entire Bible in 1 year.

"I did it! I did it!" said Sally Winthrop, 28. "I'm glad I made the commitment."

Sally and 22 others from Grace Assembly have remained on track the entire year-- well, almost on track. "But I couldn't have done it if it weren't for Pastor Johnson's techniques and incentives," said Sally.

"I had a few tricks up my sleeve," said Pastor Johnson. "If anyone got behind, we had methods to help them back on track."

For example, Pastor Johnson had monthly Ketchup Days where anyone who was behind on their readings by the last Sunday of each month had to walk the aisle during the morning service, sit in a chair facing the congregation, and receive a squirt of ketchup to the face. The first squirting episode in January is the reason Dawn Gaspard and her husband left the church and became the only two participants to drop out of the program.

"I worked very hard to keep the people on schedule," explained Pastor Johnson. "I sent reminder emails each day, made phone calls each week, and visited each person monthly. My main goal for the last year has been to get these people to read the Bible. I'm proud to say that it looks like I'm accomplishing this goal for 23 people."

TBNN asked several of The 23 what they learned most while reading the Bible this year. James Barton, 35, answered. "I learned that if I set my mind to do something, I can get it done."

"I learned that it takes a team to complete a task like this," answered Milley Baxter, 67. "The support from the other team members helped me through."

Marla Krystal was thankful for good leadership. "I learned that you can't do something like this without a great encourager like Pastor Johnson. He was always there for me when I was down and I didn't want to read. He understood."

Others were very pleased with the daily plan. "Reading through the Bible in a year has taught me to pace myself in other things. There are several tasks that I've been wanting to get done for years. The Bible has been an example I can follow to pace myself in 2009 and make sure to get these other tasks done," explained Walter Bowen, 42.

"I've grown so much through this experience," Sheila Bowen, 41. "It's such a good feeling to close the Bible each day and know I'm exactly where God wants me to be in the plan."

"I think the best thing in our family has been the improvement in our daughter's reading skills," said Jennifer Blackwell whose 14 year old daughter Kaylie is the youngest member of The 23 who is scheduled to finish on time.

The Episcopal Church Introduces "InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas"

NEW YORK, NY - In a move that has excited some but troubled others, The Episcopal Church yesterday introduced the new winter holiday that it will be promoting - InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas. The clear purpose of this holiday, according to the presiding bishop (The Most Reverend Katharine Jefferts Schori), is "to take into account the needs of the members of all our congregations, whether or not they are actually followers of Jesus Christ."

Bishop Schori went on to say, "It seems silly of us to assume that all Episcopalians will be Christians and therefore want to celebrate Christmas. Frankly, that seems a bit narrow. We in the Episcopalian church have a broad tent. We welcome those shunned by others such as Wiccans, New Agers, and the Occult. Because of this, we realize that we need to let each member himself or herself decide what type of winter holiday best fits his or her needs. Thus, the name - InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas.

As mentioned above, while some within the church are excited by this move, others are troubled.

For example, Jackie Gellar of Santa Cruz, CA told TBNN, "This is a great joy and relief to me. I've been an Episcopalian all my life, but lately I've dabbled in a combination of Vishnu-worship, yoga, snake-handling, and palm reading. I'm kind of making it up as I go. Because of this, I just didn't want to celebrate Christmas this year. However, I did want to celebrate something. I don't yet know what I'm going to call it, but I'm so happy that whatever I do celebrate will be acceptable to my Episcopal church."

Dan Belford (Dayton, OH), on the other hand, is not happy about the new ruling. Belford said, "It has been difficult for the past few years to remain in the Episcopal church. I guess my problem is that I keep reading the bible. My local rector tells me this is dangerous, but I just can't help it. Then when I look at my church, well, it just appalls me. Now we have this new 'whatever-it-is holiday.' Quite honestly, I might have to start visiting the PCA church down the street from my house."

Despite the mixed reviews, Bishop Schori is excited about the new holiday, saying, "In order for this to be a truly happy time of year, we need to meet the needs of all people. It troubles me that only a few groups can claim this time of year, such as the Jews, Muslims, Africans, and Christians. In order to, like Paul, be all things to all people, we're going to let all people decide what to celebrate."

Schori summed it up like this, "Who are we to tell people what to celebrate? The important thing is that they are celebrating something. Have a Happy Holiday!"

From the Archive: Pastor Struggles with "Terrible Sermon Illustrations"

Note: I thought that during this time of hiatus that I'd go back and pick out some of my old favorites. These posts are not necessarily ones that were the most popular when they were originally posted, but they were ones that I liked doing.

ST. PETERSBURG, MARYLAND

The Reverend Steve Roman has been the pastor of First Baptist Church St. Petersburg for almost ten years. While loved by his congregation for his charm, whit and devotion to his people, Roman has begun to struggle over the past few years with an inability to come up with sermon illustrations that remotely make sense.

"It all began about four years ago." Said Roman. "I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly I just couldn't come up with a sermon illustration anymore that was clear. It was as if I used up all my good ones during my first six years of ministry and just ran out of stories to tell. It seems that no matter how hard I try anymore everyone is just baffled by the point I'm trying to make."

In a recent sermon delivered by Roman on Joshua 6 and the defeat of Jericho by Israel, he stated,

"The fall of the walls of Jericho was like when you're eating a bag of chips on your couch. You're relaxed and calm, you're looking for the remote, and you don't want to be disturbed, and suddenly the dog just jumps into your lap or the phone rings and you have to get up. It bothers you because it shakes up your relaxation. And when Jericho's walls fell it really shook the wicked people of that city off of their couches. We really need to be shaking people's couches."

"I just can't seem to get my illustration sense back." Said Roman. "When I'm up there in the pulpit what I'm saying seems to make sense, but then after I say it I can see the utter confusion on everyone's faces. When I go back and listen to the recordings I just ask myself 'What were you thinking?'"

Unfortunately, the problem has extended beyond Roman's illustrations to his analogies also. Some recent excerpts from his sermons revealed the following comparisons,

"The flood came upon the land like a bucket of bloated whale blubber."
"The wickedness of Ahab was worse than all the cars in China."
"David looked upon Bathsheba with lust, like a cat in a hail storm."
"Noah's Ark was huge, like a big boat."

"We so want to support him." Said member Amber Lee. "We love him, and we know he means well, but I honestly haven't understood a single one of his sermons for months now. I don't know if he can read some books or something to get better, but something needs to be done."

In an effort to hopefully remedy the situation Roman plans to take a three month sabbatical this summer to spend time coming up with some new illustrations.

"I've just lost my touch, and I need to get it back." Said Roman. "Hopefully this summer I'll be able to get some thoughts organized, possible have some funny things happen to me so that I'll be able to communicate with my people again. Being this way is like falling out of a tree while eating an apple."

The Pastor's Salary, At The Minimum, Should Include

At Large, USA -- TBNN correspondents are currently at an undisclosed church location in the US trying to gather information concerning recent Bylaw changes regarding the pastor's salary.

Due to the large probability of increased rumor and gossip (and possibly increased panic) TBNN is not releasing the location or the names of those involved.

TBNN was able to verify the accuracy of a copy of an official motion from the deacons at a recent business meeting, regarding the pastor's 2009 salary package. The motion read:

• The pastor's salary, at the minimum, should include medical insurance, retirement benefits, and $100 in yearly conference support.

Given that the business meeting followed a lengthy 3 hour Christmas Cantata practice, and given that a neighborhood Christmas parade was about to begin, the business meeting was short and this motion passed without discussion.

The trouble began a week later when the personnel committee attempted to come to a consensus on the interpretation of the salary motion. The personnel committee concluded that the motion instructed them to pay the pastor the minimum wage of $6.55 per hour based on a 40 hour work week. "The motion clearly states that the pastor's salary is to be at the minimum," explained one member of the committee. "I feel we were overly generous in giving him a straight salary based on 40 hours. If had a time clock in his office, he could never generate anything close to 40."

The committee also concluded that the motion instructed them to include insurance, benefits and conference expenses in the salary-- meaning those items were to be subtracted from the salary prior to the pastor receiving his payroll check. "The motion passed by the church body clearly says 'including,'" said another member of the personnel committee.

"This was not our intention at all," said a representative from the Deacon Board. "The personnel committee has a long history of refusing to provide any benefits for the pastor. They claim he should have faith for healing and use his own money for conference vacations. They've always laughed at the idea of setting aside funds for his retirement. 'His retirement package is already out of this world!' they claim."

The deacon chairman was incensed, "All we wanted to do was make sure that [the pastor] starts getting some other benefits besides salary. The personnel committee is made up of a bunch of Scrooges."

No matter which way it goes, the pastor appears to be pleased. "Regardless of the interpretation, I'm looking forward to my increased salary package in 2009."

Atheists Rated Angriest, Not Smartest

For the last 50 years or so, atheists in the United States and Europe have declared that they are smarter across the board than are the various groups of "simple folks" who follow one god or another. When interviewed, if an atheist is pinned down by a good question, his response will almost always be some variation of, "We are just smarter."

The National Institute of Mental Health recently decided to put this theory to the test. The NIMH, which is made up largely of atheistic psychiatrists, wanted to prove, once and for all, that atheists are more intelligent than theists.

In order to perform this study, the NIMH reportedly interviewed over 10,000 people. The interviewees fell into two main groups: those who claim to believe in no god, and those who believe in any god. The second group was further subdivided among Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and Wiccans. All 10,000 people were asked a series of 200 questions related to vocabulary, history, music, literature, current events, etc. They were also asked to complete several nonverbal puzzles. Finally, they were asked several intrusive questions to see how they would respond emotionally.

The results of the study were, according to the NIMH, "Quite surprising." When all the interview results were tabulated, the clear conclusion regarding intelligence was that atheists and theists are equally smart. There were no significant differences among any of the groups or subgroups.

The only significant finding was one that was not expected. The results showed that atheists are significantly angrier than are theists. This was a consistent finding across all the questions of the lengthy interview. For example, atheists are angrier about their family situations, their jobs, their social standing, and especially the state of the country. As for the subgroups among the theists, while the Hindus and Buddhists were least angry, the Muslims were angriest.

Immediately after the publication of the study, an atheist group based out of Seattle, WA responded. The group, named More Atheist Dogma (MAD), said in a statement, "These results are ridiculous! They are just stupid! It must be that the leadership of the NIMH is made up of right-wing Christians and Jews! We are not angry, and even if we were it would only be because of the oppression we face every day! But we're not mad!"

ACLU Judges Nativity Scene as "Non-Biblical," Drops Lawsuit

Baxter, Tennessee— After a long battle of back and forth name calling, sits-ins, and a news media frenzy the American Civil Liberties Union Foundation on Friday dropped a lawsuit against the small town of Baxter, the county seat of Smith County, Tennessee.

Complaints were first reported to the ACLU-TN on August 24th after Baxter County Courthouse employees erected a nativity and decorated a Christmas tree on the front lawn of the courthouse to begin Christmas celebrations.

“Religious displays in front of homes and churches are protected by the first amendment,” Harry Reasoning, ACLU-TN spokesman, was quoted in local papers in mid-September. “But the courthouse is a governmental property that cannot be used to promote religious beliefs.”

Courthouse clerk Brian Clampett was at the forefront of the battle in support of the display he helped create. In October, Clampett felt threatened by the “outsiders” and was quoted saying, “We don’t need no one coming in here telling us how to do things. I’m the one who made that star, and I hung it up there,” said Clampett pointing to a large mass of star-shaped aluminum suspended from a pin oak with 60lb test line approximately 20 feet above the manger.

Along the way, the battle of words turned physical. One scuffle near the 3 kings' camel holding pen, frightened one camel enough so that it bolted through the railings and remained loose for over three days during the week of Halloween.

But it has all come to an end. The ACLU-TN officially announced on Friday that their research has deemed the nativity scene as “secularized enough.” “After careful research, we have discovered that most scenes on the courthouse lawn can be described more accurately as American tradition than religious in nature,” said Reasoning.

In a written statement, Reasoning explained, “Most scenes have no Biblical support, including (1) Mary’s riding on a donkey, (2) the appearance of an innkeeper, (3) the use of a small feeding trough that is just the right size to hold a baby, (4) the idea that shepherds brought sheep out of the fields to see the baby, (5) the notion that there were only 3 men from the east, (6) the thought that the men from the east were kings wearing crowns, (7) the conclusion that the men from the east saw a baby in a manger, and (8) the speculation that Shrek was one of the wise men. Therefore, given that the scene is largely non-Biblical or religious in nature, we are dropping the lawsuit.”

Cleaning Out The Closet Before Christmas

I have a list of potential news stories that I store in my Possible News Stories Closet (okay, it's actually a Word file). If I think I have a good idea during the week, I open the file and toss in a headline or even a partial story. Then, on Friday night or Saturday morning, I open this Possible News Stories Closet, retrieve a headline or partially written story, and then attempt to complete it for publication.

As I stare into the Closet this morning, there is a bunch of junk in here that I really need to throw out. I don't think I'm ever going to use it. Many of these things seemed really funny at the time. All of the things I'm tossing out are things that I don't want to use anymore. I am not developing some of these simply because I don't feel that I'm capable of gimping an adequate photo.

I'm committed to tossing out 10 things. The ideas are not fully developed, that's why they were still in the closet. But you may be able to see where I was going. In any case, as I clean out the closet, maybe there is something in these partially developed thoughts and stories that you can use.


1. The Syncretism Hymn Book
Hindu, Muslim, Jews, and Christian join together for a book of songs in which all can freely sing without loss of conviction. Christian contributions include: In the Secret; Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord; You Are Worthy of My Praise

2. Missouri Pastor Asked to Take Sabbatical Over Texas Comments
This story had to do with BCS Bowl rankings when Missouri and Texas may have had a chance.

3. Robert's Rules of Order Now Contains "I Prayed About it Motion"
The "I Prayed About It" motion takes precedence over all other motions. It preempts any rule or bylaw of the church. It calls for an immediate vote regardless of other discussion. Note: I felt this may be too narrow for those who haven't been exposed to Robert. I went with the "I Prayed About It Cards" instead. Those of you who attend a lot of business meetings may appreciate this thought.

4. The Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar
In an effort to reverse recent drops in tithes and offerings, prosperity preachers have teamed up to raise funds with the Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar. "We are willing to expose ourselves for money."

5. Church Splits Over "3 Uh-Huhs"
The church youth group was so happy when 14 year old Marci Williams helped 4 year old Laci Johnson accept Jesus in her heart between the Ramblin Rocky Road Snack Shack and the Rickshaw Racetrack during the “Best of the Past” VBS this summer. All was going well. The Women’s Hand Dance Team joined together and baptized Laci the following Sunday.
On July XXX, however, at the regularly scheduled monthly business meeting, someone questioned whether Laci really understood what she was doing when she answered the ABC questions. As it turns out, Marci said Laci did answer every question on the ABC card as Marci read them. However, when Marci relayed the story, she said, “Laci answered ‘uh-huh’ to every question.” “Marci has stuck to this story,” said XXX. “If Marci said Laci said ‘uh-huh’ then she did just that.” Ms. XXX questioned what “uh-huh” meant. “Are we sure that Laci didn’t say ungh-uh?”

6. The Reservation
Peter at the Gate: Do you have a reservation?
Jerry: Yes, I walked the aisle and made a profession and was baptized.
Peter at the Gate: I’m sorry Jerry. But I don’t see that you were saved anywhere in the system.
Jerry: I don’t understand. Do you show where I had my Bible signed?
Peter at the Gate: Yes, we do, unfortunately, you’re not saved.
Jerry: But, I had a reservation. You’re supposed to have a spot for me.
Peter at the Gate: I know what a reservation is.
Jerry: I don’t think you do… because if you did… I’d have a spot. See, your representatives know how to take the reservation. They just don’t know how to HOLD the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

7. The Ummm Church
Church renames itself to the Ummm Church so as not to give glory to any particular thing. "We didn't want to unnecessarily glorify the town name or the lay of the land."

8. Correction: SBC Did Not Cannonize Robert's Rules of Order
The accusations are false. "We have not, and never will canonize Robert's Rules of Order. The next edition of the HCSB will only contain an abbreviated Robert's Rules of Order as an appendix after the book of Maps."

9. Student Fails Out of RTS, Graduates with High Honors from Liberty University

10. Conversationopoly: A Sunday School Game
Take over an entire conversation. Only those in power can speak. You can only speak if you have built up power within the game. The goal: to take over the entire conversation. You choose the direction people can go. You choose the topic. If you change the topic, those with less power have to stick to your topic. You control the game by grabbing the dice. No need to wait or be nice. There are no rules. Simply obtain the dice any way you can. Grab, wrestle, kick, bite, slap, punch, whatever. You have the dice? You choose the topic. Some people may get up and walk away, choosing not to participate in such random, rude rules. But that’s good for those remaining. The winner is the last one talking.


Ahhhh... it feels good to toss some things out.

Vandals Distort Catholic Church's Marquee

PROVIDENCE, RI - The lack of respect for the church continues.

The latest example has been happening repeatedly in Providence, Rhode Island. St. Peter's Catholic Church has displayed announcements for several years on its marquee. This sign has been a source of helpful and encouraging information for the faithful Catholics in central Providence.

However, during the last six months "vandals" have repeatedly changed the wording of the message on the church marquee. This has left priests and parishioners frustrated, but they and the police seem impotent to do anything about it.

Dr. David Upton, priest at St. Peter's, said, "A group of vandals seems to have targeted our church. We do not know why we are the aim of this persecution. We try to meet the needs of all those in our community by serving mass to all who ask for it. We also encourage all our people to faithfully pray to the Holy Virgin for strength during this trial. The reality is that we have no idea when the vandals will strike next. It is intimidating and discouraging."

According to the Providence Police Department, the vandals have altered the message of the church sign on a total of 17 different occasions since June of this year. Although the marquee is locked, the vandals seem unfazed. They do not break the lock, but somehow manage to get in nonetheless.

Priest Upton elaborated on the mischief, saying, "Some of our older folks are greatly disturbed by the meanings of what we find. The sayings the vandals leave seem to be intended to shake us to the core. They leave only hurtful, angst-producing little slogans as they move the little letters around inside the marquee. We just wish they would desist so that we could get back to our normal routine of the mass."

When asked what types of sayings and slogans the vandals had been leaving behind, Upton replied that they are the worst kind. According to the priest, "Even curse words would be better than what we have seen. Since the end of October in particular, the messages have been more and more offensive."

Priest Upton gave TBNN a list of dates and sayings:

November 1 - "Justification by faith alone"
November 7 - "Sola scriptura"
November 12 - "Mary didn't die a virgin."
November 15 - "Sola fide"
November 21 - "The bible is God's word."
November 24 - "We are a kingdom of priests."
November 28 - "The Pope is fallible."

On December 1st, the "vandals" left the worst message yet. Priest Upton, in tears, reported to the police that on the night of November 30th, the marquee said simply, "Give your all to the church." When he arrived on the morning of December 1st, the marquee had been vandalized to say, "Soli Deo Gloria!"

Upton reportedly cried out to the police, saying, "When will this disrespect come to an end?!"