Luther Martin of Walnut Mountain Baptist Church on the outskirts of Lexington, Kentucky has been released on bond after being charged with vandalizing the church’s 1975 Baptist Hymnals. He subsequently admitted his guilt to TBNN in an effort to get his story out.
Martin was seen by unidentified witnesses entering an unlocked side door of the church in the early early morning of October 31, 2008. Around dawn, Ed Caster, the Walnut Mountain Baptist Church custodian noticed something strange when he came to tidy up the sanctuary.
“I didn’t know what it was at first. I just saw this flash of difference throughout the sanctuary, and then I realized that something white had been taped to every red hymnal in the church,” said Caster.
As it turns out, Martin used Super Glue to attach his “95 Corrections” to every 1975 Baptist Hymnal in the sanctuary. “I’m heartbroken,” said Pastor Tom Presley. “Many in our congregation have worshipped these… um… worshipped with these precious hymnals for over 30 years.”
So, why would Martin commit such a dreadful act? “I stand for truth,” Martin explained. “The hymnals are filled with error. In fact, I found exactly 95 errors that do not align with scripture. I made a list of these errors, typed them out with suggested corrections, and reduced the list to the size of the hymnal cover. I’m tired of singing songs that abuse truth. I wanted to make a strong statement.”
For example, for Song 475, Victory in Jesus in the third stanza, Martin said “streets” should be corrected to “street.” “This error is particularly egregious. Revelation 21 is clear that Heaven contains only one street." Martin took correcting this error further than normal by using a black permanent Sharpie to cover up the ‘s’ in every hymnal. "I wasn’t satisfied with simply making a statement about correcting this error.”
Sample other corrections include:
(487) Since Jesus Came Into My Heart: remove entire chorus; change all “Since Jesus Came Into My Heart” statements to “Since I’m Free in Christ Jesus, My God”
(491) When We All Get to Heaven: change “pearly gates” to “pearl gates”; change “streets of gold” to “street of gold” (See also the correction to 475).
(107) There is a Fountain: change “wash all my sins away” to “wash all my sin away” because sin should not be plural in this case.
Not all things on the list are corrections per se. For example, for Song 85 “O Little Town of Bethlehem” Martin indicated “eliminate this entire song.” “Yeah, why should we worship a town? I don’t see the need,” said Martin.
Martin suggested moving the location of Song 88, “Joy to the World.” This song should be moved from the Christmas section to the Lord’s Return section, around page 129. “Why have a song about the Lord’s return in the middle of all the Christmas songs?” asked Martin.
Maybe most surprising, Martin was able to find error even in one of the very old songs: (37) A Mighty Fortress is Our God: change title and words within song to “The Mighty Fortress is God” to eliminate the possibility of other equally strong fortresses or gods.
TBNN had not yet obtained a copy of the complete 95 Corrections at the time of this article's publication.
Kamis, 30 Oktober 2008
Selasa, 28 Oktober 2008
Other Places to Read
For those of you interested, I'm going to start devoting more time to blogging about our family's adventures in Russia. You can visit our ministry website at siberiangrits.wordpress.com. Even if you don't live in Russia, have never been to Russia or even have no intensions of ever coming here, you'll perhaps find the posts informative and entertaining.
-Tom
-Tom
Unitarians Make Halloween Official Church Holiday
BOSTON, MA - The Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations announced on Monday that it has decided to make Halloween an official church holiday.According to Spokesperson Madeline Kay-Harris, "We at the UUA believe in the inherent worth and dignity of every person. Unlike most Christian denominations, when we say every, we mean every. We do not play favorites. Jesus Himself warned against favoritism in James 2:1-4, saying, 'My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality. For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, "You sit here in a good place," and say to the poor man, "You stand there," or, "Sit here at my footstool," have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?'"
Because of this philosophy, the UUA has decided to embrace Halloween in the hopes of attracting those from the ghoul-goblin crowd. UUA youth pastor Greg Jeffress told TBNN, "Jesus Himself, who we do not follow, clearly said to go into the world and preach the gospel to ALL creation. We want to do this. We want to welcome into our congregations those who have been shunned by other churches. Who are we to tell them to change?"
Some within the UUA have spoken anonymously about the need to be careful about embracing this new demographic. A pastor of a UUA congregation near Worchester, MA, secretly told us, "We want to be open to Satan-worshipers and the like, but we are somewhat intimidated. It is important for us to be tolerant of the blood, gore, knives, and dead puppies. However, we are concerned that some of the more intolerant among us will get scared and not attend our meetings."Because of these concerns, the UUA is meeting in Boston next week to discuss how its congregations can both welcome, for example, wearwolves and vampires and also keep its people safe.
According to Kay-Harris, "We must find a balance between sorcery and safety, between beheadings and being safe, between sacrifices and serenity. This is our goal. We are embracing Halloween. We are just going to have to learn how to deal with these changes."
Jumat, 24 Oktober 2008
John "Rudolph" Piper Encourages Us To Lead the Lord's Sleigh This Christmas
Minneapolis, MN -- Equipped with only a red ball for a nose and his fingers for antlers, John “Rudolph” Piper recently previewed this year’s Christmas theme for Bethlehem Baptist Church: “Don’t Waste Your Flight.” In the announcement, Piper outlines three reasons that our flight should be a type of Rudolph flight.
What “Rudolph” Attitude Should We Take As We Fly Through Life?
1. Our love for the Lord Jesus needs to be plain and visible for all to see as we soar through this world. My first prayer for you is that you will all be more like Rudolph. Get out front! Ask to be out front! Put a big bright red light on that beautiful glorious unique nose that belongs just to you on your very face and take it… take it with you… let it shine… let it shine for all to see. Let all the misfits know that Jesus is coming again. Let all the misfits know that He is Lord.
2. Oh, how our love for the Lord Jesus needs to shine through the foggy nights. Through the years, you will face more and more foggy nights. At least you will feel that they are foggy. You must shine! DO NOT COVER YOUR NOSE! DO NOT waste your flight. Let everyone see it! Don’t just take the stance that you will not cover up your nose… take the stance that you will show it off!
3. Our love for the Lord Jesus must extend even to those who would seem abominable. There are many out there who would seem abominable. But they are not that scary once you pull their teeth out. I’d even say that we don’t really need to pull the teeth out of the abominable ones. Most of the abominable are really toothless anyway. They have no bite to begin with.
So let the glory of Christ shine through you, and thousands will see and put their trust in the Lord. Live your life as if you are soaring through the foggy nights, unafraid, unwasted, gladly displaying the glory of Christ.
Missing in Action
Well, by now (if you're still even reading this blog) you're probably beginning to wonder where I (Tom) have been. It's now been several weeks since I've posted. On several occasions I've said to myself "I need to post something today," only to let the day slip away and not post anything.
To be honest I've been giving this blog a lot of thought lately. When I started here I was filled with ideas and eager to get them out. I lived in America and was daily amused and disgusted by things such as the shallowness of much of Evangelicalism, the liberalness of mainline Protestantism, and the ridiculousness of everything in between. I needed an outlet for my thoughts, and since I'm not much of a sit-down-and-write-a-treatise kind of guy, I found satire, humor and parody worked well for me. At that time ideas came easily. All I had to do was turn on the television, read the paper or simply draw from my own personal experience.
But things change. I must admit that for the past few months I've found blogging here to be more tedious than enjoyable. While many many things still strike me as funny, and while I still have regular ideas for stories, on the whole my interests in writing here have waned. One of the main reasons for this, I believe, is that for almost the last 1 1/2 years now I have not lived in the United States. For those of you who don't know, my family and I live in St. Petersburg, Russia. I'm now outside of the circle of events going on in religious America, and thus my ability to address various fads and trends that happen there is significantly diminished. At the same time, my attention has turned to dealing with living in a foreign culture, learning a foreign language and trying to guide my family through the whole process. Oh how easy it would be for me right now to write satirical articles each day about the goings on in Russia, but I fear they would only be enjoyed by English-speaking foreigners who have lived and worked in Russia over the past 10 years while trying to learn the language, which, as you can imagine, severely limits my audience. Let's be fair, not many of you, even if you did find them mildly amusing, would get the full impact of stories like "Medvedev Promises to Reduce Loogies by 20% Next Year" or "Foreigner Unable to Figure out Verbs of Motion; Decides Never to Leave Home." See...I told you.
In addition to this there is also the issue of my priorities. Right now this blog has fallen way down on the list of things that are important. With both me and my wife studying Russian intensely, a young son who needs love, discipline, physical therapy and other special care each day, helping to coordinate Russian pastor's conferences, a large Bible distribution project and preaching here and there, I have found little to no energy left to devote to blogging here.
So what does this all mean practically. The end of TBNN? Well, no, not necessarily. Don't worry, I'm not about to delete the blog, nor am I about to shut it down. What it does mean though is that I'm going on hiatus and for exactly how long I can't say. It is my hope that Elder Eric and Brother Slawson will continue regularly posting on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I also have some prospects for other regular contributers who I hope will pick up some of the days here. And no doubt you will probably see me popping in from time to time. But for now I'm moving out of the blogosphere. It's been fun, and I hope to perhaps move back in again sometime in the near future.
-Tom
To be honest I've been giving this blog a lot of thought lately. When I started here I was filled with ideas and eager to get them out. I lived in America and was daily amused and disgusted by things such as the shallowness of much of Evangelicalism, the liberalness of mainline Protestantism, and the ridiculousness of everything in between. I needed an outlet for my thoughts, and since I'm not much of a sit-down-and-write-a-treatise kind of guy, I found satire, humor and parody worked well for me. At that time ideas came easily. All I had to do was turn on the television, read the paper or simply draw from my own personal experience.
But things change. I must admit that for the past few months I've found blogging here to be more tedious than enjoyable. While many many things still strike me as funny, and while I still have regular ideas for stories, on the whole my interests in writing here have waned. One of the main reasons for this, I believe, is that for almost the last 1 1/2 years now I have not lived in the United States. For those of you who don't know, my family and I live in St. Petersburg, Russia. I'm now outside of the circle of events going on in religious America, and thus my ability to address various fads and trends that happen there is significantly diminished. At the same time, my attention has turned to dealing with living in a foreign culture, learning a foreign language and trying to guide my family through the whole process. Oh how easy it would be for me right now to write satirical articles each day about the goings on in Russia, but I fear they would only be enjoyed by English-speaking foreigners who have lived and worked in Russia over the past 10 years while trying to learn the language, which, as you can imagine, severely limits my audience. Let's be fair, not many of you, even if you did find them mildly amusing, would get the full impact of stories like "Medvedev Promises to Reduce Loogies by 20% Next Year" or "Foreigner Unable to Figure out Verbs of Motion; Decides Never to Leave Home." See...I told you.
In addition to this there is also the issue of my priorities. Right now this blog has fallen way down on the list of things that are important. With both me and my wife studying Russian intensely, a young son who needs love, discipline, physical therapy and other special care each day, helping to coordinate Russian pastor's conferences, a large Bible distribution project and preaching here and there, I have found little to no energy left to devote to blogging here.
So what does this all mean practically. The end of TBNN? Well, no, not necessarily. Don't worry, I'm not about to delete the blog, nor am I about to shut it down. What it does mean though is that I'm going on hiatus and for exactly how long I can't say. It is my hope that Elder Eric and Brother Slawson will continue regularly posting on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I also have some prospects for other regular contributers who I hope will pick up some of the days here. And no doubt you will probably see me popping in from time to time. But for now I'm moving out of the blogosphere. It's been fun, and I hope to perhaps move back in again sometime in the near future.
-Tom
Senin, 20 Oktober 2008
Speaking in Tongues Impaired by Piercing
BRIDGEPORT, CT - The folks at Rushing Wind Emerging Fellowship are struggling with an unanticipated problem.Some background information may help with understanding just what the issues are. Two years ago, Cade Wilson and Hunter Howard met at a coffee shop in downtown Bridgeport. At the time, Cade was the youth pastor at Dove Tabernacle, a Charismatic church just outside Bridgeport. Hunter, meanwhile, was also serving as a youth pastor - at Grace (Emerging) Church in New Haven.
At the time they met, both young men were struggling. Because they were in their early twenties, neither of them could effect much change in their respective congregations. Cade desired that his church change both its worship style and message in order to be more authentic and relevant. Hunter was frustrated because he wanted his church to much more openly embrace the gifts of the spirit, in particular speaking in tongues. Since neither man could make these changes occur, they decided to leave their churches and plant Rushing Wind Emerging Fellowship.
From the beginning, the purpose of Rushing Wind was to be relevant to the community, authentic in worship, and to encourage all spiritual gifts. Speaking in tongues would be strongly promoted.
Things had been going well up until just a few weeks ago. That's when Rushing Wind ran into its first significant problem. Because of its unique character, the church has grown quickly, attracting hundreds of high school and college age students from Bridgeport and beyond. This demographic lends itself to all kinds of expression, including various hair colors, tattoos of all sorts, and body piercings.
In the beginning, Cade and Hunter encouraged the body piercings, especially when the young people would pierce their hands and wrists to remind them of what Christ did for them on the cross. Soon after this, other piercings began to appear - including piercings of the tongue. That's when things went bad for Rushing Wind.
The pastors soon realized that tongue piercings and speaking in tongues do not mix. According to Pastor Cade, "The bible tells us that if there is speaking in tongues, there must also be interpretation. Our problem is that no one can understand the people who want to speak in tongues with pierced tongues. We have been discouraging this practice, but there are some among us who persist nonetheless."
Pastor Hunter told TBNN, "Last week we actually had to bring church discipline against a 17-year-old lady who kept speaking in tongues. Absolutely no one could comprehend what she was saying. No one could therefore interpret for her. When we brought the charges against her, she tried to respond, but we couldn't even understand that. It was a mess."
The pastors are depressed at this point because several young people have left the church since the disciplinary hearing. Several more are expected to leave. One entire small group has informed the pastors that they will be departing to plant their own church - one that is more relevant and understanding.
According to Pastor Cade, "We just wanted to be biblical. When you take a stand for scripture, some people won't like it."
Jumat, 17 Oktober 2008
Bentley Returns To "Probationary Podium"
Lakeland, FL -- The Fresh Fire Ministries Board of Directors broke its 2-month silence Friday regarding Todd Bentley's seclusion. This news comes just 3 days after the official end of the "Lakeland Outpouring" revival that began on April 2, 2008.Back on August 15, 2008, the Board announced that Bentley would "refrain from all public ministry for a season to receive counsel in his personal life." Apparently, the season of privacy took 2 months and is now over. "Todd plans to revive revival. I guess you could call it a rerevival," said a board member who wished to remain anonymous. "But there is a catch. Todd has promised to use more faith and less foot this time around."
A TBNN operative working within the Fresh Fire organization was able to obtain the photo (above) of Bentley practicing from his specially engineered probationary podium. The probationary podium permits Bentley to return to a public forum without the Fresh Fire Board having to worry about Bentley engaging in inappropriate contact with donors, staff, or interns.
The probationary podium is a small cage-like platform which will allow Bentley to freely raise his arms, but not his legs. It comes equipped with boots bolted to the platform. Once Bentley steps into the boots and ties them, his feet cannot move. Apparently, the Fresh Fire Board has also asked Bentley to wear a yellow vest as a type of "fair warning" to rerevival participants. Much like the warning label on a carton of cigarettes?
Jumat, 10 Oktober 2008
Invitation Time: Make A Decision For The Church Today
Rosewood, TX -- “I’d like to ask our musicians to come forward for the invitation time,” said Pastor Robert Spain as he stepped down from the stage’s podium toward the end of the aisle. “Now is the time for decisions. The Lord may be dealing with you… yes… you,” he so eloquently ponders.
Like most churches on Sunday morning, Delilah Baptist Church in Rosewood, Texas has an official Invitation Time on the program. It has been a tradition for the last 45 years. On any given Sunday, around 10 people are moved to walk the aisle and make a decision for the church. Not bad for a church with an average attendance of 75.
“Everyone take a decision card from the bulletin,” Pastor Spain always begins. “We want to encourage you-- don't hesitate. Heed the invitation now. Feel free to bring your unfilled card. You can fill it out later. I and the deacons are awaiting your decisions. Just as you are, come now.” That is the pianist’s signal to begin playing Just As I Am.
The decision card this week contains invites for sanctuary cleaning, lawn mowing, cantata planning, Sunday School teaching, and Fall Festival decorating. Two men come forward even before the first official invitation. This will be a good day.
“We have decided to start having a regular sanctuary cleaning night on Tuesdays from seven to eight. Please place a checkmark in the appropriate box and be sure to check the preferred dates if you are able to help. We need your help.”
Just As I Am continues to play as Pastor Spain watches the crowd. “I can feel a real movement here. Folks are being dealt with as we sing. Don’t stay in your seat any longer. Make a decision for the church.”
“Today, we want to invite you to volunteer to help with Sunday School teaching. Won’t you come? You don’t need any special talents. We’ll train you. Please help us out.”
Four people step out into the aisle and make their way toward the pastor.
“Can you cut grass? We need your help. I want to invite you to serve the Lord in this way. Make a decision today. Won’t you? Can you bring a can of gas? Can you sweep sidewalks? Any help would be appreciated.”
Three young boys stop texting, drop their phones on the pew, and step out into the aisle. A father says, “Amen.” A mother begins to weep.
“Can you sing? Do you like Christmas? There’s a spot this week for signing up to help with the Christmas Cantata. I want to invite you to help. The deacons are waiting. I’m waiting. Let the pot roast burn for all I care, we need to get the Lord’s business taken care of right now. Won’t you come? If you’ll just walk this aisle and shake my hand or the hand of a deacon, we’ll find a place for you.”
A small crowd of 7 women slowly forms on the left side of the stage.
After things quite down and cards have been filled out and placed in Pastor Spain’s bible, he concludes by reminding everyone, “You’re also invited to the fellowship lunch. If you’d like to stay afterward and help clean up, just let me know. I’m sure we can find something for you to do.”
Like most churches on Sunday morning, Delilah Baptist Church in Rosewood, Texas has an official Invitation Time on the program. It has been a tradition for the last 45 years. On any given Sunday, around 10 people are moved to walk the aisle and make a decision for the church. Not bad for a church with an average attendance of 75.
“Everyone take a decision card from the bulletin,” Pastor Spain always begins. “We want to encourage you-- don't hesitate. Heed the invitation now. Feel free to bring your unfilled card. You can fill it out later. I and the deacons are awaiting your decisions. Just as you are, come now.” That is the pianist’s signal to begin playing Just As I Am.
The decision card this week contains invites for sanctuary cleaning, lawn mowing, cantata planning, Sunday School teaching, and Fall Festival decorating. Two men come forward even before the first official invitation. This will be a good day.
“We have decided to start having a regular sanctuary cleaning night on Tuesdays from seven to eight. Please place a checkmark in the appropriate box and be sure to check the preferred dates if you are able to help. We need your help.”
Just As I Am continues to play as Pastor Spain watches the crowd. “I can feel a real movement here. Folks are being dealt with as we sing. Don’t stay in your seat any longer. Make a decision for the church.”
“Today, we want to invite you to volunteer to help with Sunday School teaching. Won’t you come? You don’t need any special talents. We’ll train you. Please help us out.”
Four people step out into the aisle and make their way toward the pastor.
“Can you cut grass? We need your help. I want to invite you to serve the Lord in this way. Make a decision today. Won’t you? Can you bring a can of gas? Can you sweep sidewalks? Any help would be appreciated.”
Three young boys stop texting, drop their phones on the pew, and step out into the aisle. A father says, “Amen.” A mother begins to weep.
“Can you sing? Do you like Christmas? There’s a spot this week for signing up to help with the Christmas Cantata. I want to invite you to help. The deacons are waiting. I’m waiting. Let the pot roast burn for all I care, we need to get the Lord’s business taken care of right now. Won’t you come? If you’ll just walk this aisle and shake my hand or the hand of a deacon, we’ll find a place for you.”
A small crowd of 7 women slowly forms on the left side of the stage.
After things quite down and cards have been filled out and placed in Pastor Spain’s bible, he concludes by reminding everyone, “You’re also invited to the fellowship lunch. If you’d like to stay afterward and help clean up, just let me know. I’m sure we can find something for you to do.”
Senin, 06 Oktober 2008
Government Asks Lakewood for Bailout Help
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week the federal government voted to bailout the credit mess in the United States. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. This week, however, things look different.The reason for the problem is simple. Not only is the United States deep in debt, but the federal government itself has access to far less than the $700 billion it has promised. In fact, right now the feds only have $35.75 in the bank.
Because of that, the U.S. House of Representatives, led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, has asked for help in bailing out the faltering economy. TBNN has learned that on Sunday Pelosi asked the wealthiest organization in America to help. Rather than call on Microsoft, which ranks second, Pelosi called Lakewood Church, the wealthiest non-governmental organization in the United States.
Pastor Joel Osteen admitted to being somewhat surprised by the phone call. "I always preach that if you believe in God, He will show you favor. That is what He has done for us. But I never thought we would have the opportunity to help our country like this. For many churches, $700 billion might seem like a lot of money, but for us it's not that big of a deal. In fact, that's about half of what my Christmas bonus will be this year."
According to tax records, Lakewood Church's net worth stands between 2.2 and 2.3 trillion dollars. Some of that money comes directly from tithes and offerings, but most of it is revenue from Pastor Osteen's popular books: Your Best Life Now and Become a Better You.Osteen admitted to TBNN, "Ever since we stopped using the bible at Lakewood, our congregation has quadrupled in size. Instead of looking into the scriptures, which can be so easily misinterpreted, we simply use my books. Since everyone in our church is required to buy them, that brings in a lot of money. Also, because many churches want to get big like us, they are copying what we do - even purchasing my books."
Osteen added that Lakewood was happy to help out the government just as long as Speaker Pelosi held up her end of the bargain: the feds will repay the $700 billion at a 13% interest rate.
Said Osteen, "With all that interest money piling in, we'll be able to buy another big building - maybe the Astrodome. I hear it's vacant."
Sabtu, 04 Oktober 2008
We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday
A Book Review-- Okay. So you missed church last Sunday? Now you’d like to return and worship the Lord, but you know you are going to have to explain to at least 3-9 folks why you were not in church last week. You pull into the parking lot. You park. You take a deep breath. You open the car door.
There she is… Mrs. Arnder. She approaches you and says “We missed you last Sunday.” Of course, you can tell by the inflection and questioning in her voice that she really is saying, “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod. What can you do?
Then he approaches… Mr. Davis. He asks, “Have you been okay?” Of course, you can tell by the timing and non-concern in his voice that he is really saying “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod again. What can you do?
If this happens to you often and you wish you had something to say in response, you need We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday. It gives you in depth details of how to answer those "Where were you?" questions that have been masked with stealth questions from hypocritical Christians. If you are a sincere Christian who wants to do the right thing, We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday encourages you to always assume those asking the questions are Christians. The book encourages you to consider that the questioner maybe sincerely concerned.
Using Christianity as a premise, how could you have acted differently? We Missed You gives you a plan of action. For example, here is an excerpt from Chapter 1: “We missed you last Sunday”...
We Missed You contains 26 potential scenarios to enable you to skip every other Sunday with the confidence that, in no time, your skipping will never be brought into question (at least not to your face.)
There she is… Mrs. Arnder. She approaches you and says “We missed you last Sunday.” Of course, you can tell by the inflection and questioning in her voice that she really is saying, “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod. What can you do?
Then he approaches… Mr. Davis. He asks, “Have you been okay?” Of course, you can tell by the timing and non-concern in his voice that he is really saying “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod again. What can you do?
If this happens to you often and you wish you had something to say in response, you need We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday. It gives you in depth details of how to answer those "Where were you?" questions that have been masked with stealth questions from hypocritical Christians. If you are a sincere Christian who wants to do the right thing, We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday encourages you to always assume those asking the questions are Christians. The book encourages you to consider that the questioner maybe sincerely concerned.
Using Christianity as a premise, how could you have acted differently? We Missed You gives you a plan of action. For example, here is an excerpt from Chapter 1: “We missed you last Sunday”...
- When asked this surface question, start out by looking the individual in the eye in a real sincere, heartfelt, understanding way. Consider that this individual is honestly telling you that you were missed. This should not cause you to begin spewing forth all sorts of excuses about why were you out. Instead, such a statement, if taken to heart, should cause you to feel great joy that someone has missed you. If someone missed you, your first thoughts should be “Awwwww, you missed me? You missed little ole me? Me? You truly missed me?” Well, if you are able to bring yourself to the point to think such questions, the next step is to go ahead and ask these questions out loud. Make sure to use an appreciative, humbled, and honored voice. But don’t stop there. Let the feeling of being missed overtake you. Meditate in the thought that you were missed. You were not there last Sunday. You are here now. Once you become overwhelmed in this emotional thought, add your physical self to the mix and wrap yourself around the questioner who missed you. Do not let the questioner go until she knows that you are really truly here right now. Take your arms and fasten them around this kind human who has expressed sorrow at the memory of not having been in your presence last week. It is your duty to give her the comfort and assurance that she will not have to suffer the coming week with the thought of having missed you this Sunday. Make sure she truly remembers that she was able to encounter you today. Do so by not stopping at a simple hug. Take the hug to a full 7 second squeeze. Add words. As you count in your mind toward seven (ever mindful that this very person missed you last week) around second #3, I suggest that you give a very loud, very sincere, very heartfelt, “I missed you too. How sweet of you to say!” Really let the emotion come out in your voice. Do not rush the statement. The person must remember every word. The hug, together with the words, will most likely resound in the questioner for at least the rest of the week. After the 7 second hug, just watch the reaction. You take it from there.
- Note: try to remember if the person used the precise words “We missed you” and not the personal “I missed you.” If "we" was used, now is the appropriate time to ask who the others were that missed you so you can reassure them also.
We Missed You contains 26 potential scenarios to enable you to skip every other Sunday with the confidence that, in no time, your skipping will never be brought into question (at least not to your face.)
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