NFL Superbowl Policy Not Good News For Budweiser Baptist Church

Atlanta, GA -- For the first time in Superbowl history, partiers no longer need to visit a sports bar to legally watch the superbowl in a group setting on a large screen. In February of 2008, the NFL Commissioner announced that, beginning with Superbowl XLIII, the league will not sue churches who broadcast the Superbowl on screens larger than 55 inches.

The new ruling is not good news for Budweiser Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia. BBC was established in November of 2005, with the soul purpose of creating a church which legally abided by the previous NFL policy. The old policy only allowed organizations (especially sports bars and restaurants) which broadcast games as a normal part of their business, to continue to do so Superbowl Sunday. "Budweiser Baptist was formed to make NFL and other sports games viewing a normal part of our services," said pastor Victor Michaels. "With the new NFL ruling, we are concerned that we've lost our competitive advantage for Superbowl 43."

"I'm proceeding as normal," said Burris Plaxsy, Audio-Visual Minister. "We may see some drop-off in attendance with the now-legal viewing competition from the nearby Baptist churches. But I'm confident that our permit to sell alcohol will make the difference.

A. J. Simpson, pastor of Millerville Baptist, disagrees. "Serving alcohol does not give Budweiser Baptist a clear advantage. We will have 3 viewing rooms. The sanctuary will have the largest screen and permit open audiences, including those who bring their own beer. For those do not feel comfortable having their children in the same service with the adults, the children's church minister will take the toddlers to the fellowship hall for an alcohol-free environment. We'll also have a big screen in the nursery for those with noisy babies."

Whether you are a Cardinal or a Steeler fan, TBNN encourages you and your family to attend the worship service of your choice Sunday evening.

Where I've Been

Some of you may be wondering if I'm ever going to show my face around here again. So to perhaps answer some of the burning questions that have no doubt kept many of you up at night over the past few months I'd like to tell you about a major undertaking that I'm currently heavily involved with.

I've never tried to abuse the great fame and fortune that comes with writing a mildly popular theological satire blog, but today I'd like to be bluntly honest with you the faithful (and not so faithful) readers of TBNN. As many of you know my family and I currently serve as missionaries in Russia. For the last 1 1/2 years now we've been living in St. Petersburg, learning language and have been working to support indigenous church-planting movements throughout Russia. One of these projects is the Tuvan Bible Distribution Project.

The Tuvan Republic is a small region of Russia where about 305,510 people live. About 65% percent of these people are native Tuvans, meaning they don't look like or talk like Vladimir Putin. While many Tuvans can speak Russian fairly well, their native tongue is Tuvan, a totally different language. The Tuvans have no Bible in their own language, but we are hoping that is about to change soon.

The Institute for Bible Translation in Moscow, Russia has been working on a full translation of the Bible into Tuvan. It is due to be printed and released for sale next summer. InterAct Ministries, the organization with which we serve, is working on a project to put a Bible into every Tuvan-speaking household in the region, roughly 40,000 copies of Scripture. I am one of the coordinators of this project, and one of my goals is to raise about $600,000. No small task during these days, but no large task for God.

What am I asking of you? Like I said, I'm going to be bold. I'm asking you to help if you can, financially and prayerfully. I'm also asking you to pass along the word to others. I'm asking any and all of you who have ever read this blog and gotten a good chuckle (or even a smirk) to help give a copy of Scripture to a family that has never had nor seen one before. I am not benefiting financially from this in any way.

I'm also calling upon all of you, especially you uber-bloggers out there, to pass along the word of this project to your audiences. Phil Johnson, I know you occasionally stop by. Dr. James White, I know you read here too as well Todd Friel and the Wretched Radio crew. This wee blog here reaches 300 people on a good day (Phil I think your hits pass that mark every 20 minutes or so). One simple post or mention by you could potentially reach tens of thousands of people in one day.

So please go to www.biblesfortuva.com and read more about the project. There is also a link there to donate. For all of you readers out there, please take a moment and link your blog to the above website, even feature it on your post today, possibly even mention it on your radio program if you have one. =)

Again the address is www.biblesfortuva.com

Thanks,
Tom

Church Contributions Down, US Economy To Blame

Baton Rouge, LA -- The final results have not been fully tallied, but the latest Christian Contributions Monitor estimates a 14% drop in evangelical tithes and offerings during 2008 from the 2007 period, representing the first drop over 10% since 2002.

TBNN executive producer, Tom Slawson, recently visited the largest MSA in Louisiana (Baton Rouge) in an attempt to discover why offerings in this locality were estimated to have dropped a staggering 47.61% 2007-2008 year to year.

Because the term "evangelical" is a broad term used to describe a wide variety of denominations, Tom determined that it would be better for him to visit business establishments rather than churches. A common theme emerged. Church contributions are down, and this drop in tithes and offerings can be blamed entirely on the state of the US Economy.

Tom's investigation began at Cracker Barrel for a 9 am breakfast on a Friday morning in mid-January. He attended with his wife and two of his siblings and their spouses who decided to take the day off from work. Because no tables were available, requiring the group to wait approximately 1 hour and 10 minutes, Tom had opportunity to ask others waiting, "Why do you believe church contributions were down 47.61% in Baton Rouge in 2008"? He approached a young couple in a double rocking chair and asked them the question. They did not hesitate, "It's the economy. Things are bad," said the young lady. Tom informally asked several others the same question and received the same general response, "the US economy."

After the breakfast, Tom's group went to Best Buy to take a look at the latest electronics and gadgets. Tom especially wanted to visit the new Mac section to check out the MacBook Pros. While waiting his turn in line to test the ultimate computer, he found opportunity to continue his investigation. He asked the two gentlemen in front of him, "Why do you believe church contributions were down 47.61% in Baton Rouge in 2008"? The first gentleman explained that he heard recently on CNN that the Bush presidency had caused the recession. He added that he saw the hour long report on his new 52 inch Samsung LCD HDTV with a contrast ratio of 35,000 to 1.

Later, Tom and his group drove over to the Rave Theatre to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. They arrived about 10 minutes early, but with a group of 6, they were unable to sit together. This gave Tom a chance to ask the group of teenagers next to him the question, "Why do you believe church contributions were down 47.61% in Baton Rouge in 2008"? The immediate response from two young ladies was, "church what... contri what"? One of the older boys suggested that Obama would make things better.

After the movie, Tom's group headed toward the Mall of Louisiana, but after 20 unsuccessful minutes of searching for a parking space they decided to return home. Unfortunately, their timing was off because they were caught in the Friday rush hour traffic. When they turned on the local news radio to see if there were any wrecks that could be avoided, the first station had a call-in program where individuals were discussing how bad the economy was. An expert was discussing how the problem was so much more than the US and was a world-wide crisis. One caller suggested that Obama appoint Bill Clinton to the UN. "If we could make Bill president of the world and go to one currency, then things would get better," said the caller.

Tom's complete report will be posted on TBNN later this week. Preliminary results show that of the 47 people Tom interviewed at Cracker Barrel, Best Buy, and the Rave, 100% blamed the US economy.

Southern Baptists Displace Black Bears As Arkansas' #1 Largest Mammal

Little Rock, AR -- Arkansas Baptist State Convention representatives have confirmed that the Arkansas Southern Baptist has surpassed the Arkansas Black Bear in the state's largest mammal category in a recent study. The study was performed by Dr. Joseph Mendleton of Mississippi State University's Fullbrite College of Arts and Sciences.

Dr. Mendleton provides evidence in his working paper, "Winter Consumption Patterns of Arkansas Large Mammals." Sampling girth measurements of available species during the month of December, Dr. Mendleton was surprised to discover that the sample of Black Bears in the study were consistently smaller in circumference than the sample of Southern Baptists.

Serious questions have been raised over the validity of the study. A rebuttal report by Walt Samson of the University of Arkansas' School of Veterinary Medicine contained two potential flaws. "First of all, it is not fair to compare the Southern Baptist at his peak grazing season with the Black Bear that is coming out of hibernation for short periods of time during December. Secondly, there are questions regarding the differences in measurement technique. Black bear sizes were determined by estimation using triangulation and photography while the bear was standing upright. The Southern Baptist in the study were typically measured in a slumped position, having been shot with tranquilizer darts while leaving Baptist church fellowship halls."

Dr. Mendleton is confident his findings will hold up, "Other researchers are welcome to check my results and take their own measurements. I am willing to share my data, as well as turn over the tracking data of the tagged participants."

From the Archive: Ruckman Denies the Existence of Greece

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA - He is known as the often rancorous and forceful defender of the King James Version of the Bible. His books and writings regarding the subject of modern translations and other theological topics are controversial to many, inflammatory to some. He states emphatically and unapologetically that the King James Version of the Bible is itself perfect and inspired. He further opposes any efforts to examine either Hebrew or Greek texts in Biblical exegesis and attempt at a modern translation of the Scriptures. Over all Peter S. Ruckman of the Pensacola Bible Institute is no stranger to a rousing fight.

While most of his opponents are not surprised by his dogmatic statements and assertions, his latest statement has left many with their jaws hitting the floor.

"After much research and prayer it is my conclusion that there's no such place as Greece and, consequently, there is no such thing as the Greek language." Said Ruckman in his latest book The Conspiracy of the Evangelical Apostates. "Anyone who believes in Greece is part of the Alexandrian Cult seeking to undermine the authority of the Authorized Version of 1611."

Ruckman's book also includes his own "map" of the Mediterranean region which, as he states, gives "irrefutable proof that there's no such place as Greece."

But despite such "evidence" many are not persuaded that Ruckman is correct including Karolous Argyris of Greece.

"I'm not understanding this, is this supposed to be a joke?" Said Argyris. "I don't have time to even acknowledge such things."

Ruckman's assertion serves to support his position that since there is no Greece there can be no Greek language, and thus what we know as "Greek" was, as he states, invented by the "Alexandrian Cult" about 3,500 years ago with the express purpose to undermine the validity of the Authorized Version that would be translated some 3,000 years later in 1611.

"There is no doubt in my mind that this scheme was cooked up in antiquity by Satan to cause confusion and to deceive millions," Ruckman states "and for centuries he's achieved his goal. Now it's time to get back to the real original manuscript, The King James 1611."

Mote Removal: A How-To-Book

Have you ever attempted to remove a mote from your brother's eye, but it did not go well? Why not try the Biblical prescription? Get your own copy of Mote Removal: A How-To-Book.

Many people do not know that the Bible actually details the instructions for mote removal in Matthew 7:3-5. Mote Removal: A How-To-Book by Dr. William Frotch makes mote removal easy.

Some people realize a Biblical solution exists, but are confused by the mention of "logs" at the end of verse 3, the end of verse 4 and the beginning of verse 5. Dr. William Frotch has spent two years in the mountains of north Georgia carefully extracting these "log" discussions. The log discussions have been placed in two appendices, leaving the flow of the mote removal verses undisturbed. "Because the command to 'see clearly' appears after the command to tell your brother 'let me take the mote out of your eye,' many people give up on mote removal," Dr. Frotch explains.

The book is arranged into four easy to follow chapters...

Chapter 1: Step #1, Notice

Notice that there may be a mote in someone else’s eye as implied in Matthew 7 verse 3a. Keep your eyes and ears open. I usually does not take long to find motes.

Chapter 2: Step #2, Openness

Have the desire to remove the mote as implied in verse 4a.** Take the time to make sure that your truly care. Share your feelings with others who have the opportunity to confirm the existence of the mote.

Chapter 3: Step #3, Speak

Say to your brother, “Let me take the mote out of your eye," as directly commanded in verse 4b. Dr. Frotch explains three methods: in person, email, phone.

Chapter 4: Step #4, Extract

Remove the mote from your brother’s eye as directly commanded in verse 5d. This step may take time. Carefully apply Dr. Frotch's methods.

**Appendix A: If applicable, remove the beam in your own eye (optional command in verse 5b).
**Appendix B: If applicable, see clearly (optional command in verse 5c).

"The Bible is not to be used as a suggestion manual. The Bible is clear in its prescriptions, but sometimes you have to dig out the noise," explains Dr. Frotch near the beginning of Appendix A.

Mote Removal: A How-To Book... get your copy today.

Belated New Year's Gift for Our Catholic Readers

Red Letter Edition Camouflage Bible Saves Hunter's Life

Perlington, AR -- TBNN has learned that a Perlington, Arkansas man's life has been saved while reading a red letter edition camouflage Bible on a bear hunt. On December 14, 2008, the last day of bear hunting season in Arkansas, Daniel Bloom was perched securely on a lower branch in a heavily wooded area of the Blue Mountains about 10 yards off the bank of the Kiamichi River .

"I was trying to think of something to do to pass time. I was reaching in my bag looking for my whittling knife when I saw the camo Bible that my sister had give me. She told me it would save my life if I would read it," explained Bloom.

Wilson Gadsford was also hunting that day. "I was slowly drifting along the Kiamichi in my SeaArk Stealth 172 tracking a wandering black bear when I lost site of him into the thicker woods. A few minutes later I saw something a rustling so I aimed my medium-velocity 35 caliber lever-action Winchester and was about to pull the trigger when something came over me to hold off. So I pulled out my Bushnell H2O Porro prism waterproof and fogproof binoculars to have a closer look-see."

Gadsford kept seeing glimpses of red coming from the area where he thought the bear was. In hindsight, it appears what Gadsford saw was Bloom's red-letter edition camouflage Bible. "When I saw red, I put my rifle down and moved on," said Gadsford.

The two made the connection as to what happened during a New Year's Eve party this last Wednesday. "I overheard Gadsford telling that he was tracking a bear along the Kiamichi on the last day of bear season, and I realized that we were in the exact same spot," said Bloom.

"He must have seen my Bible. My sister didn't know how right she was. Reading that Bible saved my life," said Bloom with an ear-to-ear grin.